Here comes 2007!

And with it the exciting prospect of new Japanese developed Xbox 360 games...


...We can't help but think they're not exactly taking themselves seriously.

Smug Cunt Buys a Wii

Wii Launch Germany:


Hopefully we'll see a lot more of this, to the point where the number of smarmy Nintendo fan-boys becomes so vast, that a law is passed stating a fully legal mass culling.

Next week; Smug Cunt Buys a PS3.

Little Britain: The Game.

How much fun does Little Britain: The Game look?

This much!:

Best game ever! Five gold stars and 100/40.

Woolworths: Stocking PS3 November 17th

Poor Woolworths, they forgot the part that says "2007".

Live vision - See everything live!

If you're like us, and you employ a close friend to film what goes on outside with a digital camcorder so that you can watch the day unfold via the comfort of your own home, then this may well interest you.

Tired of not being able to answer important questions because they were asked several hours before, to someone who wasn't you? Well thanks to Microsoft and their super new "Live Vision" camera, you can!

The Live Vision camera sits on top of your telly and appears to be not much more than a USB web cam that you could probably get from Argos for less than a fiver, but don't be fooled! The Live Vision camera can not only take snap shots to put on your Gamertag, but actually shows you things live.

No longer do you have to wait for Gary to get back with that all important tape of the day, simply watch the day as it happens.

Of course, on paper it all sounds fantastic but as usual there are a few problems with the marketing images...


1. Only 5 Xbox 360s were sold in Asia, I got one of them, and the other 4 were sent to shops to display Ninety Nine Nights. This woman is obviously not real.

2. Not only is she an Asian woman with an Xbox 360, she's also managed to set up a USB webcam. I suppose we're supposed to believe she's some kind of super woman.

3. She can quite obviously see who she's talking to (it's live after all) and yet she's continuing to talk to him, and hasn't blocked/yelled abuse at him.

Conclusion: Live Vision will enable whoever uses it to meet young attractive fake Asian women.

Hooray!

Review: Contact - DS

97%

Sir Peter of Molyneux to be in the movies!

And no that's not "The Movies" - the award winning, film studio "simulation" (see: BAFTA Game Awards).

According to a popular database of movies on the Internet, everyone's favourite middle aged sex icon, may well be appearing in Simon Pegg's latest film "Hot Fuzz".

This is yet to be confirmed as Glass Museum is having a break from sifting through Peter's trash, but as soon as we do, we'll get back to you.

Spooky Time!

To celebrate the fact that it's friday the 13th - something that means absolutely nothing unless you're some kind of whacked up coot - we've decided that now is the time to start thinking about that all important halloween fancy dress costume.

That is of course unless you don't have any friends and spend all your days indoors looking for dirty videos on Youtube. 80% of our key demographic then.

Regardless, here's the best we could come up with.


That's right it's...it's...well the website said it was "Jericho" from "Darkwatch". Who? Times are changing and I'm getting to old for this. Here's a bunch of other photos we found ourselves looking at for a fair amount of time;

Would.
Might.Did.

Myspazz.com one year - one hundred posts anniversary!

That's right everyone, we're officially a few months over one year old! (because we forgot to say anything a few months back). Not only that, but this is the one hundredth article to date. We'd like to take this opportunity to thank those who have supported the mess that is "myspazz.com" and hope that you continue to make us feel better about ourselves by taking the time to visit occasionally.

Just for you, here are some exciting new screen shots of Desperate Housewives the game. The only thing we want in our stockings this Christmas.

Work in progress, narrative may differ from that shown.


We love you all!

Sweet Ironies of Gaming

Update on our (hillarious) jokes about Pink endorsing the pink PSP:

Next week: The Myspazz boys predict the lottery and find better things to do with their time than draw cocks on things.

Exclusive look at Raw VS Smackdown 2006(7!?)

Wrestling fans around the world are gradually becoming less and less easy to please. With the numbers of spectators declining and interest being turned away from the entire sports entertainment scene, THQ have come up with a new way in which to sell their grappling based sports game for Next Gen Consoles.

That's right, exclusive from X06 we bring to you the new and improved "Ring entrances". Now literally meaning "The entry of a mans anus with a big cock", THQ say they have literally "quadrupled the number of penises of any given male wrestler to create a whole new aspect to game play". We're not sure how the newly implemented system will work, but we're literally shitting our pants with excitement.

More soon as we look at how games like Perfect Dark can be made better, by simply turning off your games console.

Downloadable content moves up a notch.

According to our sources at X06, as of tomorrow it will be possible to download Halo 2 on Xbox live arcade. This is exciting news for everyone, seeing as they purchased a whole load of credits to buy geometry wars, then realised there was nothing else they actually wanted.

To all those who didn't waste your remaining credits on Penny Arcade avatars, Halo 2 will be ready for download tomorrow for £4000.

Second update in one day!

We're on a fucking roll!

Here you can see a screen shot of Maria Sharapova from Sega's Virtua Tennis 3 by Sega.

Continuing our "moan about the graphics of next-gen games" campaign, we'd like to point out that the shadows are blocky, her hair isn't right, and her muscles seem to be folded out of cardboard.

All in all we give it a "weeping semen" out of "balls".

The state of gaming.

Here's a video of DOAX2, which isn't really a video, it's just some still screen shots with a bunch of Japanese women poncing about in front of it.

Link to a gamespot video link page because we're not professional enough to run our own videos

"This kind of nonsense is what gets people smacked in the mouth with hammers" - Some journalist yesterday.

No more coffee - full stop!

Today is a sad day my friends, for this is the day we say goodbye to our beloved instution known as the Xbox360/World Cup lounge. It appears the only thing left to remember it by, is this tree:

Above you can see the departed souls of those who once basked in the warm green glow of Microsoft branded neon lights, forever lost to the defeat of a large car park.

Or maybe we're just shit at taking photos.

PSP mock-a-thon!

If you were a highflying executive at one of the world's largest electronics companies, and your biggest rival had just released a pink version of their top selling console to entice the much ignored demographic of gays, poofs, fruits and possibly women - what would you do?

The exact same thing of course!

Here's several (two) jokes we thought up to celebrate the occasion:

1.

Q: What's long, hard and pink and confuses women?

A: A NEW PINK PSP OF COURSE!

2.

Q: What video games console does pop transvestite "pink" like the most?

A: A NEW PINK PSP OF COURSE!*

Come back next month/year when we re-publish all those wii jokes we read at the Gamespot forums.


*This might not be true, she probably thinks PSP is some kind of hallucinogenic pill.

More shite to look at

There really isn't much happening these days.

Mario Basketball and a voice activated cookery book are keeping up the DS sales, whilst Xbox 360 is relying solely on Bullet Witch to sell at least one more console in Japan.

With this in mind, the only interesting thing worth noting is that yesterday a Pikachu edition of Japan Rail's "SUICA" card went on sale. Here is a photograph of a sign telling us there are none left because lines of bastard Japanese children beat us to it:

Also, we saw this woman selling HD DVDs

We like to imagine the microphone is a penis/hose of cum.

The empire continues to crumble.

Sega have finally done it.

They've taken the only shard of dignity to survive the wrath of Shadow the Hedgehog's all-consuming arse, and shit a great big Tim Burton shaped turd in its windpipe.

Ladies and Gentlemen - Sega/Sammy presents: Edward Scissorhands The Musical.

Good God Sega, what have you done?

NO!

I'm not updating until someone comments on Johnny's excellent photo of the old Japanese guy.

Come on, mens. He's probably even made that t-shirt himself.

x

How To Be An Assassin, with Agent 47 - Part one.

1. Be bald.


The first step towards becoming an assassin is to make sure you are bald. It's a well-known fact that all the world's greatest killers have been bald. Examples:

- Patrick Stewart
- Roy Castle
- All the members of Right Said Fred
- Mo Mowlam

Furthermore, being bald makes you more aerodynamic and less conspicuous. This effect is multiplied by six if you also have a barcode tattooed on the back of your head.


2. Kill anyone you don't like the look of and stuff them down a fucking sewer entrance.


Look at this cunt. You think you can just jog around the suburb, minding your own business and being friendly to anyone who crosses your path? Not on 47's watch, son.


3. Guards are appallingly short-sighted.


Here, you can see that 47 has murdered an innocent woman. However, the highly-trained FBI agents across the road are totally unaware of this, due to their inability to see more than ten feet in front of them. On the other hand, there is also a distinct possibility that they saw the murder, but just don't care about it due to the victim being black.


4. Soothe the guilt.


At a glance, it may look like 47 has killed a binman, taken his clothes, and is about to pile him into a garbage truck. However, this is not quite the case. 47 has merely knocked the man unconscious, and is now loading the body into the truck to be crushed. This way, 47 can con himself into thinking that he isn't really a murderer, and that the death of the man is the fault of the truck. Thus, he can walk away happily whistling My Old Man's A Dustman by Lonnie Donegan - an activity that we would recommend to all assassins.


5. Open fire on large groups of government agents.


No real reason for this one. I just thought the screenshot was funny.

THIS CONCLUDES THE FIRST PART OF OUR EXCELLENT GUIDE. CONTINOUSLY HAMMER F5 LIKE A TOTAL FUCKNUT OVER THE NEXT WEEK OR SO FOR EVEN MORE EXCELLENT SUPER-KILLINGS ADVICE!!!

Reasons why Tokyo is better #512

All the old people dress like this:


He can be our grandad any day.

The month of June...

...Initially named after T4 presenter June "the hat" Sarpong by scientologists in the year 65 million BC has literally featured nothing of interest at all worth writing about.

Fear not however as after almost a month of eating nothing but raisins and ham, childsupermodels.com finally became boring enough to encourage us to go outside and find something better to do*.

The 24th New Generation World Hobby Fair 2006



It's a well known fact that when you're reduced to writing internet blogs about conventions that feature games that have already been on sale for several months, it's probably time to pack it all in and get a job at future publishing. Still there we were, knee** deep in eight year old Japanese children, all of whom would spend up to two hours waiting to play New Super Mario Brothers - a game that had been avaliable to the general public for almost a month.

This had its advantages though, as armies of Nintendo ladies handed out Mario hats (of which we recived TWO). They also had excellent T-shirts which we were told could not be bought. When asked if we could have hers she giggled in a sweet and typically nice Japanese lady manner before having us escorted from the building by security.

Highlights featured a playable version of Mario Basketball for the DS - a game developed by Square-Enix, yet oddly lacking in pop up menus and spikey haired twats. Also playable was Super Paper Mario but due to the two hour line we decided (as the professionals we are) to make use of the hundreds of people filling up Picto Chat...

Turns out nobody was up for it so we moved over to the Sega stand.

Now, we're not criticising Sega or anything, we'd just like to point out how saddened we are that a company who were once at the forefront of gaming should be reduced to...this. We don't even know what it is to be honest, we were so depressed that we swiftley moved to the next booth dabbing our eyes with complimentary tissues.

Now here was something we could smile about. The only other game that isn't Me and My Katamari or Lumines to prove to the world that the PSP isn't just an over priced chunk of plastic - equivalent to an over sized iPod. The Loco Roco booth's centerpiece was a giant moving ceramic white PSP with tiny Loco Rocos rolling about inside. inside the giant Loco Roco tent were playable demos and the chance to win some Loco Roco badges. We would have tried but we were busy with more important errands.

Finally we decided that due to lack of interest from outside parties, and the constant stress of fighting through swarms upon swarms of hyper-active Japanese children - it was time to leave.

Edit: this article has been edited because some people can't handle two of the same photograph. Cunts.

The 24th New Generation World Hobby Fair took place on the 17th-18th July 2006. To the following people:

Satoshi Tsumabuki
Hiroshi Tamaki
Akifumi Miura
Koen Kondo
Aya Hirayama
Yuya Nishikawa
Katsuyuki Yamazaki

and all the staff on security, Johnny Apocalypse would like to personally apologise for his dissorderly behaviour and lack of regard for health and safety regulations. He's glad the four children were found, and that the piano sustained no damage through the course of his actions.

*There is nothing better than childsupermodels.com and that's fact!

**Cock.

2K Games drops "da (Vinci) bomb!"

As you probably all know, Tom Hanks has been pissing on Catholicism. What you might not know, is that now you can too! With "The Da Vinci Code: The official game of the movie of the book".

We're expecting some excellent feedback from Rome, alongside a 9/10 from Richard and Judy.

In the meantime, please enjoy this in-game screen shot;


Next week: Rockstar's controversial "GTA: Vatican City".

Chris Moyles' face found in Tokyo!

And he's selling some colourful biscuits!

This may well be the scariest thing we've ever found. Ever.

The legacy continues

In keeping with our promise to bring coverage of the continuing development on what was once the heart and soul of Xbox 360 in Japan: 'The 360 Lounge', we made our way back to its gravesite to observe the aftermath of its collapse.

Question 1: What the fuck is this?

We're not the most perceptive of fellows, but to us, that looks a lot like 'not a big white construction site'. We smell something foul at work...

Question 2: No really, what the fuck is it?

It appears to be...another cafe! This isn't the 360 Lounge. Who the hell's in charge here?

Question 3: Are you crying as much as we are?

You see what they did there? The realised that the 360 Lounge just wasn't a permanent business venture so they built this "world cup viewing cafe" instead. Absolutely ingenious.

Stay tuned after World Cup season as we investigate the "August Cafe".

Hoorah.

For those who said "It's not that expensive"

£300 worth of Japanese yen gets you a box of hard drive. We're terrified to imagine what "open price" means. Still if you're after a console worth owning...

(This may be changed at a later date according to whether we have to eat our own words or not)

For those concerned for the 360's future:

Please head here

This is Next-Gen, where they take physics and add their own rules.

God bless Tecmo.

A word from our sponsors:

Comments about Sony's "Wii" coming soon.

Controversial game in game controversey

There was a time when a mod was nothing but a bloke on a scooter supposedly at war with another bloke because they didn't like the same music.

Nowadays, although the word stays the same, the meaning is something much darker, more sinister than anything the 1960s could throw at us. In recent light of mods that allow us to view such horrors as naked children in the Sims, and black people having sex in Grand Theft Auto, Bethesda have provided the middle-class white world with something new to complain about.

Topless women!

Can you imagine that? Women...but without their tops on. They are literally topless. Like you can see their breasts. Their topless naked breasts. The concept scares the willies out of us.

Of course we say Bethesda, but in actual fact it's a group of elite hackers, probably Chinese, who are corrupting our computer screens with this downloadable filth.

Or is it?

As you can see below, this is a screen-shot taken from the "un-modable" Xbox 360 version of The Elderscrolls 4: Oblivion. See if you can spot what's wrong...

Well looky here! I suppose you think two scantily clad women spooning by a log fire is acceptable behaviour to be teaching our children. I suppose this kind of thing is okay is it?

Really Bethesda, sometimes we can't help but think that you're actually all gay.

Yeah, alright, calm down.

I'm going to assume each of those comments on the last post were by different people, and not just one person, called Amelia.

I haven't posted for ages because I've been living in a fantasy world where I don't have any uni work to do, then just the other day I left said fantasy world and realised I've got two weeks to do an entire semester's worth of work. Panic ensued, and has no intention of stopping until the 15th of May. Then I will be in some form of coma for possibly several weeks, if I am not already dead.

Right now I also have a headache because the postman DARED to wake me up this morning by actually delivering some fucking mail for once. Prick.

So, I'm going to fix everything by playing Yoshi's Island on the toilet. Like, whilst I'm sat on it. Pooing. Although knowing my luck there'll probably be a massive fucking spider by the air-vent again.

I hate spiders, and am definitely not afraid of them.

At all.

Generic Next-Gen Nintendo joke #237:

Q.) What did Nintendo do in their toilet?

A.) They drew a picture of a boat.

Final Fan-girls round the clock coverage!

I wonder how many of these we can do before the internet just folds in on itself and doesn't let us touch it anymore?


Well, here we are again with another 'interesting' plunge into the depths of Japanese videogame culture. As you can see from the photograph above, this time it's to the 'Square Enix Show Case'; a paradise for lonely white men who came to Japan to pick up naive Japanese women.



And here's the case itself. Wow, that really is quite showy - you too can look like Tidus/Mr T for a mere 580 dollars. We were going to buy it, until a rival crew burst in and gang banged us on the spot, before grabbing the 'rocks that we got' and taking off around the 'block'.



Now, this is more our price range - plastic figurines of games we know very little about. In fact, we once did a cross comparison of Gundam and Front Mission, the results of which turned out positive. And now they're all dead.



The main attraction of the 'show case' is this. A life-sized replica (well, we assume it's a replica) of Sephiroth set into the floor incased in Mako (well, we assumed it was Mako). Note the surrounding women as they praise his body, kiss his feet and stare on in shock as they discover the boulder has been rolled away from the opening of the tomb. This went on for quite some time...



and on...



And on, until we got so bored that when the area actually cleared, the only photo we could be bothered taking was this one:


Shhh, daddy's got a suprise for you.