Scary Nude Dickless Hedgehog Thing Coming To DS

I don't know what this is all about, but it makes me feel a bit ill.

Two Worlds DLC Out Soon!

Somebody has an excellent sense of humour.

Obligatory Phil Harrison Thing

Bye Phil! See you at the next Marillion gig!

Zavvi Don't Quite "Get It"

Do they realise how many BluRays we could buy with £30?

At least one and a half!

Weekend In Pictures

Microsoft's GDC Key Note Speech: Walk-through.

I say walk-through, but what I really mean is a bunch of bullet-points and some sarcastic remarks. Hooray!

• XNA developed games to be checked, reviewed and uploaded by the community. Completely bypassing the officials. Sounds good, but will probably result in a million more twin-stick shooters.
• Ninja Gaiden 2 to release in the US in June exclusively to the Xbox 360. That is until Ninja Gaiden 2 Sigma is released in December for the PS3.
• Gears of War 2 to release in November this year - Epic in "exercising their right to print money" shocker.
• Fable 2 will have jump-in cooperative play, pregnant protagonists and completely consequential game-play, not to mention AI so advanced that it becomes aware of your every action in game.

Wait a minute... That last point sounds like the rambling of a maniacal old coot with a taste for the fabricated...

Wahey! It's everyone's favourite liar. What've you been saying this time Mols?

Admonishes her!? She must have done something pretty bad. Unless... could it be the time spent in-game has crossed the "activate admonish" command? Surely it's not that simple?

Oh, and for the sake of all the regular readers - feel relieved in the knowledge that when Fable 2 does come out I will be slaughtering the entirety of Glass Museum's family. No-one abandons Myspazz and gets away with it.

One final note: One button for swords AND another for swords? That's just fucking ridiculous.

7/10

Harley Quinn: Still Sexy In Lego Form

Heath Ledger on the other hand is looking a bit worse-for-wear.

Other Lego franchises we're looking forward to:

1.) Lego Indiana Jones
2.) Lego Back to the Future
3.) Lego Jurassic Park
4.) Lego Train Spotting
5.) Lego Thelma and Louise
6.) Lego Turner and Hooch
7.) Lego Spiderman
8.) Lego Cat Woman
9.) Lego Ghost Busters
10.) Lego Pi

Lair Wins An Award!

And it isn't for being the most broken, uncontrollable mess of a video game to grace the high street since Crazy Frog Racer 2.

Instead it's for its score which is apparently brilliant, not that anybody got around to hearing it because they all turned their consoles off within minutes of realising that it actually is possible to make a game in which you RIDE A DRAGON that is less fun than being simultaneously raped by every member of The Wu-Tang Clan.

Still, congratulations John Debney - maybe next time you'll get to work on something that doesn't make people want to rub bleach into their eyes.

Lair not as shit as everyone thought!

Did You Buy The Xbox 360 HD DVD Player?

If you did, you might want to start thinking of some witty come-backs for when Sony fan-boys start mocking you. Here are a few to get you started:

1.) In a months time I'll be buying Shrek 3 in HD for a fiver.

2.) I only ever intended to watch Black Rain and Dream Girls for as long as I live anyway.

3.) The extra USB port alone was worth the £120.

4.) You bought a PS3.

5.) In ten years time it'll be rare as fuck, and I'll be able to sell it for £1000.

6.) Shouldn't you be waiting for Devil May Cry to install?

7.) I only bought it to prop up my Live-Vision Camera.

8.) Watching BluRay discs makes you a homosexual.

We'll be providing support for all you HD DVD owners throughout this difficult time, so keep checking back in the coming weeks.

Make Your Own Wii Zapper!

Don't have any money?

Can't justify spending £20 on what appears to be little more than a bit of plastic and a few half-arsed mini games?

Have little else to do with your time other than sit outside Peter Molyneux's house with a Digital SLR and a raging hard-on?

Well now you can get creative with the Myspazz guide to making your own Wii Zapper.

What you will need:

1.) A Wii remote
2.) Lego
3.) An abundance of glitter pens and tissue paper

What to do:

Make a gun shape with the lego, put the Wii remote in it and then cover with glitter and tissue paper.

As you can see, I ran out of glitter and tissue paper after making a valentine's card for my mum. To make up for this I included a window from a Lego house to act as a sight - just like on Call of Duty 4 - which will make you look twice as cool when using it.

Now go and buy Ghost Squad.

New Screenshot of "Jumper"!

More Things That Should Have Appeared Last Year

Oneechanbara Vortex!

Wahey look at this, another example of Japan being a bit weird and creepy when it comes to prepubescent girls. I wonder if Jack Thompson knows about this stuff.

A schoolgirl in her underwear covered in blood. The educational videos did warn her this was going to happen.


Don't worry! Games are classed as art these days, if it was in a French gallery nobody would say a word. If it makes you feel any better - she's not real. You can't go to hell for wanking over something that isn't real.

Can you?

Transformers on Blu-Ray DVD at Woolworths!

That Michael Bay really IS eager.

If Something Goes Missing...

It's usually in Silent Hill.

LARA CROFT WASHES FANNY IN THE RAIN!

Hooray! To think of all the time we spent wishing they'd include this sort of move and now they've gone and done it! This is of course a new screen shot of Tomb Raider Underworld, which will feature Lara Croft shooting the fuck out of a load of working class Northern women in an underwear factory on Coronation Street.

Here's another screen shot to emphasise the amount of time the developers have spent rendering Lara's soaking wet tits;