LIFEBLOG #2!

Today, I have decided I am gonna write about everything I do in unneccesary and sometimes disturbing detail. I'll be updating it constantly throughout the day, so keep checking back for more exciting news!!!

13:15 - Wake up. Have a wank into my boxers because I might as well since I'll be taking them off when I get up anyway.

13:30 - Fall back to sleep again because of the wank.

14:00 - Wake up again, get out of bed, get dressed.

14:05 - Spit into the bathroom sink, then have a brief swig of orange juice to get the funny 'mleh' taste out of my mouth. Have a morning dump whilst playing Castlevania on the DS. Spend a few minutes wondering how many other people are as lucky as me. Conclusion: not many.

14:15 - Poo was a bit runny. Must drink less orange juice, and eat more sausage rolls.

16:55 - I'm not really sure what I've done for the last two hours and forty minutes.

17:30 - Looked at my old house on Google Earth.

19:30 - Wrote a new a song.

20:00 - Helped a friend find a Commander Bacara figure. I'm starting to think this entry was a bad idea, as the day is actually turning out to be somewhat productive, when I was actually hoping for lots of self-deprecation, misery, rage, and boredom. God, I can't do anything right.

20:01 - Oh, there we go.

21:50 - Thought about having a shower. Decided not to bother. Yeah!

22:29 - Realised that, about two hours ago, I ate an entire pack of Party Rings for dinner, but forgot to mention it here. When I was little, I was able to put my finger through the hole in the middle, but now I can't.

23:20 - Went to the toilet, and got a bit of wee on the seat, but managed to clean it off.

00:30 - Started playing City of Heroes because I'm nearly at level 20, and when I hit level 20 I'll finally be able to earn a cape, which will be the best thing ever.

05:45 -

06:00 - Bed.

Animals like hate crimes too.

Literally days after the release of Animal Crossing: Wild World for the Nintendo DS, shocking new evidence proves that even make-believe towns of anthropomorphic animals are a hazard to our children:

Just to prove that there's nothing to it

Here's a photo of Maria Sharapova:


MARIA SHARAPOVA! mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova

Animal Cross(Dress)ing!!! The best kind.

That's right, folks; it's finally here, the reason why the DS was always going to outwit the PSP and the Microsoft Bubble: Animal Crossing Wild World!


This was what the back of the queue looked like. We tried to get to the front by telling people we were David Bowie and Sting. They said they didn't like the Beatles.


At the front of the line were two staff dressed as everyone's favourite Animal Crossing characters: Pikachu and Obi Wan Kenobi. They told us when we reserved the game that there'd be a free gift waiting for us. All we got was a scratch card. Fucking liars.

Having finally played the game, we can honestly say it is this: good. It retains the same inventive gameplay featured in the Cube version but adds a genuine freshness through the utilisation of the stylus and microphone. Best of all, the wi-fi element adds a whole new dimension to portable gaming, and allows you to swap hentai with middle-aged men in Asakusa.


We give it Bestiality out of Ten.

Eddie Guerrero is still dead!

Which would be terrible news, if Animal Crossing DS wasn't out in Japan tomorrow, but it is, so instead of mourning his loss we're celebrating his life instead.

Don't worry kids, something interesting has to happen soon. It has to; even masturbation isn't as fun as it used to be.

PSP in "not bad" shocker.

This week saw the release of Talkman, the latest language guidance tool from Sony. It comes with a clip-on microphone and teaches the player phrases in Japanese, Chinese, and Korean. It also teaches a degraded form of English, called "American English".

The best part?

Microsoft: "We haven't really thought this through :'("

Hey, kids! Are you enticed by horribly square white things? Are you also a queer? Yeah? Then welcome to the Xbox 360 Cafe!

Ooh, look; Things we don't need but can spend our money on, because God help us should we ever purchase any actual software for the machine; we're not that desperate.

A really big ceiling mounted thing! This should distact our attention from the abysmal games and awful tasting coffee, at least until Dead or Alive Volleyball 2 comes out.

Why is no one playing Kameo? OH WAIT, I KNOW, IT'S BECAUSE IT'S UTTER SHIT. I'm off to the loo.

In case you were wondering, that isn't photoshopped. Someone actually designed it that way. Amazing. The notice on the toilet said something about updating to a 30GB hardrive to use the "big flush" mechanism.

This was the best part of the experience - washing the stench of pre-determined failure from our hands!

Outside, a lorry with 6 foot high images of Maria Sharapova made us smile; even UK:R don't have photos like this. And so we went home to think about Nintendo, and how we'll never stop loving them, even if they are also a little bit gay.

DREAMBLOG!

Last night, I had a dream where I was in a class in high school, and I had to write an essay - under exam conditions - about Richer Sounds, the hi-fi shop that used to be ace, and their recent unethical business tactics. I knew nothing about this, so I wrote about two lines about how they've just gone a bit crap lately due to their new focus on home cinema stuff instead of hi-fi equipment. Then my teacher walked over and read my paper aloud to everyone, and they all laughed at me. Then she started teaching some other stuff, and someone came up behind me and put a hat on me. I couldn't see it, but it felt like it was made of cardboard, and I guess it had something written or drawn on it because everyone laughed at me again. I decided it was funnier if I didn't actually look at what was written on it. And I think I was right.

LIFEBLOG!

Visiting home is excellent, because your parents assume you know how to feed yourself because you've been at university for two years now, thus you should know better than to do something stupid like eat nothing but biscuits all day.

MONKEY THRUSTS CROTCH AT MAID!

Society = Charisma -12.

In other news, we got told off for taking this photograph:

Not because of security or anything, just because Sony's latest collection of games are utter shite, and they don't want you to know. See those spare controllers? The people playing on those all left to buy plastic figurines of schoolgirls, and throw themselves infront of the Shinkansesn.

A sequel from Square(Enix)? Surely not! But wait, this is Kingdom Hearts 2! (OMG), it's got Johnny Depp in it and EVERYTHING, it even features the hot (Little) Mermaid woman! It has to be good, right? Right? Mum?

This is a really big screen showing movie footage of Soul Calibur 3 that you could download about a month ago. The two men at the front are probably paedophiles.

These are our girlfriends. They have mechanical vaginas and hang around with Gwen Stefani. Thus we are better than you.

Afterwards we got invited to sit and watch a 30 minute presentation in which the phrase "Playstation 3" was subliminally flashed at us until it was burned into our retinas. Eventually an extended version of the Metal Gear 4 trailer was shown, with Otacon assuring us that the Playstation 3 would be worth the wait, and that giving our money to Microsoft would guarantee us all a dose of Foxdie. Laced with AIDS.

Here's the latest in game screen-shot. Snake is hiding in the air.

Kisses x.