More 'east-side' madness

Or: More badly taken photos of things in Tokyo, in attempt to make some cheap laughs in a highly racist manner!

This is the welcome sign for Akihabara station, Tokyo. For those who don't know, Akihabara is a town of sleaze, perversion and forty year old businessmen who buy little plastic figures of girls in bondage.

It is also our favourite place in the whole of Japan.

Another poorly-shot photograph, this time of kids battling their nurtured beetles in front of a crowd of bored parents, who are thinking about throwing themselves infront of the shinkansen. The picture would have been better, but we had one hand in our trouser pocket.

We got our hands on House of the Dead 4, which features a new reload technique which involves SHAKING the gun. Just like in real life.


Finally, the Shadow of the Colossus boxed set, which is excellent, if you like poncing about on a horse not really knowing what to do. Still, the necklace makes us look like gangsta rappers which is all we really wanted in the first place.

EXCLUSIVE! Microsoft to enter handheld market!

There's a really funny joke somewhere there about some kind of physical representation of Microsoft somehow entering a tiny little market that just about fits into a pair of human hands.

BUT NO. It wouldn't actually be funny, AND we've got some actual news for once.

It was announced today that Microsoft are finally attempting to conquer the handheld gaming scene, just as easily as they won home console owners' hearts with the incredibly successful 'Ultra Halo 2 Machine'.

"To be honest, we're trying to keep this one fairly low-key", Microsoft's J Allard told us when we had a quick chat with him the other day, because that's the kind of thing we get up to. "The simple fact is, we think it's just too awesome for the general public. Our plan is pretty much to release the Xbox 360 just as a sort of dummy console. We'll then spend a fortune marketing that, while the REAL gamers will go beyond, and discover the Bubble for themselves."

Pretty cunning, Mr Allard. Still, what's so special about the Bubble, eh? Allard wouldn't tell us on the day, but a couple of hours after we spoke to him, we recieved the following picture in a mysterious e-mail. See what you make of it!

EMOFEST 2K5

I'm sorry everyone, but it's time for some seriously mega heart-rending blogging, Livejournal style.

The truth is, no matter how fashionable geeks may become, and no matter how insanely popular and funny their blogs are, girls are not interested in them. And they never will be, either.

We haven't pushed it in a lady since last December, and even that doesn't really count because she made us stop halfway through.

We're so lonely that we've even resorted to this:


...And even that didn't help our cause.

And that's it. There is no ultimate point to this entry. No punchline. We just wanted to let you know that we're just feeling a little down right now.

How down?

THIS DOWN:

:'(

Games journalism, innit

Being such highly regarded members of the gaming press*, we were invited** along to Konami's latest gaming expo in Tokyo's sunshine city exhibition centre, in Ikebukuro.

Here we were able to play the latest installment of one of the gaming giant's most popular series***, as well as taking photos of kids who will probably never get a girlfriend, work in an office for a faceless corporation and eventually throw themselves into the path of a speeding train, plunging their entire family into debt with the Japanese governement.


Afterwards, we pre-ordered a limited edition Pokemon Gameboy Micro and bought a copy of Super Princess Peach, over which we wanked ourselves into a frenzy and fell asleep.

FIN.


*(We just happened to walk past the right building at the right time)

**(Let in as long as we left after twenty minutes)

***(We still don't actually know what it was. We didn't even play it. We did get a free pin badge by harassing a member of staff, though. He's probably been fired now.)

Show us how much you love us

And do us a favour.

Actually, you probably don't love us at all, but do us the favour anyway.

We need everyone to go to the CITV website and vote for 'B - Manners' in the 'You say we play' thing on the left. It won't take you a second, and if it wins, the guy that wrote it will buy us a drink.

Mm!

Japanese society: An in-depth study of the workings of the Eastern mind in respect to its Western counterpart.

OR: We found a shop called "Hot Men's Box"!


We were going to have a serious look at games in Tokyo and the like, but then we found a loaf of bread covered in ice-cream and couldn't resist turning ourselves into a half-arsed version of Engrish.com.


Maybe we are just idiot Westerners taking advantage of the misundertandings between two cultures, but so what? We found a "No Elephants" sign.

We should also point out that this is a smoking elephant, the worst kind.

There'll be more of this type of nonsense up soon, along with pictures of Japanese porn shops and hentai games.

God, it's Something Awful all over again.

Peter Molyneux Myspace update!

He's got a message off a 43 year-old lady from Singapore, with two children!

Oh, Peter, you cad!

Let's see what she has to say for herself:

Hi there,

You are the one creating all those games? Wow, great brains ( L & R ) you have.

Just wondering if this your real name?
Sound weird to me but being honest and do pardon me.

Do take care and have a great weekend!

Man! It's been so long since we last talked to a girl that we've actually got no idea how to respond! Does that message mean she wants Peter inside her? Or d'you think she's interested because he seems like a fine, chivalrous gent who wouldn't so much as hold her hand without kindly asking for permission first?

Stupid women. You can't even hide from them on the internet these days.

400-700% rise in DS sales across Europe

Thanks to Nintendogs, the best game ever!

Fuck off, Sony!

We saw Peter Molyneux in real life!

Oh, and Ron Millar, too. But he's not a famous celebrity knight like Peter.

Anyway. As you may or may not be aware, Peter and Ron visited the London Virgin Megastore on Oxford Street the other day to give a demo of Black & White 2, in the hope that we'd all pay 35 fucking quid for it there and then so we could get our copies signed by the developers.


The demo got off to a rather bad start when Ron accidentally loaded up the wrong game, and everyone except Peter laughed!

They quickly tried to make up for it, though, by giving us some helpful hints and tips on how to play the game, including a few top-secret cheats!


Thanks, Pete!

After a while, though, everybody started to realise that Peter wasn't actually going to stop talking, ever, and we all started to get bored, Ron Millar included. He got so bored, in fact, that he decided to quickly alt-tab to MSN so he could chat with hot babes online while Peter wasn't looking, then switch back to Black & White 2 when he looked at the screen again.


He's not LOLing in this one because LOLing would've alerted Peter to the truth.

THE MORAL OF THIS BLOG ENTRY IS:
Don't ever LOL, or Peter Molyneux will catch you chatting with hot babes online.