Final Fantasy 12: Coverage continues.

What's happened so far:

We tripped over the power lead and unplugged the PS2, so we've just started the opening FMV again.

More coming soon, but for now: Cheap/Unnecessary models of Rumble Roses characters. Only one week to go!

It's going to get so so messy.

Sir Molyneux gets his own road.

He must've done at some point, anyway. Because we found it yesterday. Look!


Sadly, it's just some skanky back-street in an awful town called Northwich. The entire town has actually been sinking into the ground for a number of years now, apparently due to the FAMOUS SALT-MINES underneath. My theory is that the town is descending to its rightful place in Hell itself, but there you go.

Still - makes you wonder what the queen's playing at, doesn't it? She goes out of her way to give Wallace and Gromit posh suburban cul-de-sacs, and yet Sir Molyneux gets a dank little corner in a backwards town where you can't get any phone signal unless you're on Orange.

Sort it, Queenie.

Final Fantasy 12: Round the clock coverage!

After extensive playing of Square Enix's latest tediously over-hyped RPG, our current status is:

Still waiting for the opening FMV to end.

More exciting coverage coming soon, but for now: School-girls used panties.

Regarding blue paint.

Whenever we go to Disney Land we always look forward to one thing in particular. Where as most children our age enjoy the rides and the characters, there's nothing we love more than to queue up for hours on end, listening to whining children complain that they're "hungry", or that they "need the toilet", or that we're "touching them", just for a (usually less than) thirty second mind numbingly boring experience.

Imagine our joy when we discovered we could re-live the adventure just down the road, in the most child friendly place in Tokyo; Akihabara.

This is what the back of a mans head looks like at 5am - if you've only had three hours sleep and haven't turned macro mode off on your camera. The lack of sun also means lack of heat, which leads to lack of feeling in your hands, which leads to excellent masturbation.

Just as we were about to settle down for the three hour wait ahead of us, out of nowhere a fucking McDonald's lorry turns up and causes all kinds of excitement. It made a delivery, then drove off, quick as a flash. Later it turned out that this would be the most interesting part of the morning.

As the day became lighter, these two children found it amusing to play with their Crystal White iPod, so as to annoy everyone around them. We grinned knowingly as we reached into our pockets and fingered the delicate ten-thousand yen bank notes. Warm fleshy bank notes.

As we neared the store entrance the queue divided in two, one for "Enamel Navy" and one for "Ice Blue". We were going to make a joke here in which we'd say "you know, in the space of two weeks we've seen more lines than Pete Doherty", but we decided not to.

This man entertained the crowds by beat-boxing non-stop for five hours.

Across the street we noticed a large line of people. Taking the large risk to assume that this was also for DS Lites, we did some clever maths and worked out that buying and selling TWO units would equal at least one and a half times the original profit.

Thus having queued up non-stop for a whole morning we finally bought this...

And this...

And are already knee deep in bags of cocaine and whores.

Final Fantasy XII Potion: REVIEWED

Because if we didn't, we'd still be sat around in our underwear watching all three series of Peep Show whilst eating sugar from the bag. Words follow...


There it is, a big white box. Maybe it's a new iPod. We need a new iPod, seeing as the last one drowned in our salty tears as we sat through the billionth U2-endorsed commercial. I bet Bono doesn't have any potions. Irish twat.


Once you're inside the box it all gets a bit Jean-Paul Gaultier. Pour Homme? Pour Hommosexual more like, HAHAHAHA! (This is as funny as this post is going to get)


In every box you'll also find a limited edition trading card. Here you can see what appears to be some kind of airship, cleverly designed to look like all the other airships from any Square Enix game ever. We'll probably sell this on eBay later and make a million pounds.


It's a shame really that once you take away the big white box, the big shiny trading card and the big plastic pointy cap thing, you're left with nothing but a victorian medicine bottle - the contents of which tastes like parma violets, the worst of the swizzle-based sweets. We can't help but feel that it's all an elaborately over-hyped waste of money, marketed to an easily-pleased group of boring cunts who spend their lives collecting shite and fantasizing over obnoxious spikey blonde American twats.

It did restore 100 HP though: 40/40

The Aftermath...

Time for a lesson in maths.

If you bought a DS Lite on launch day for 16,000 Japanese Yen (which equals approximately 80 English Pounds and 160 American Dollars), how brilliant will you feel when you sell it at the same price as major high-street second-hand stores?

Answer:


Mmm... inflation gone mad.

We've got a brand new iPod!

To go alongside all our other iPods:





Photos of long lines follow:


This was the line.


This was the sign (we're fucking rhyming, now. Oh, and the sign says 'LINE STOPS HERE', because we were right at the back)


The one on the bottom is mine (eat that, Puff Daddy).

We'd especially like to thank the French man in front of us who stepped out of line to get us a coffee, even though he wasn't sure if we'd let him back in or not (which we tried not to but failed). Look forward to more coverage as we queue up for the next colour of the DS lite, and waste even more of both our and your precious precious time.