How To Be An Assassin, with Agent 47 - Part one.

1. Be bald.


The first step towards becoming an assassin is to make sure you are bald. It's a well-known fact that all the world's greatest killers have been bald. Examples:

- Patrick Stewart
- Roy Castle
- All the members of Right Said Fred
- Mo Mowlam

Furthermore, being bald makes you more aerodynamic and less conspicuous. This effect is multiplied by six if you also have a barcode tattooed on the back of your head.


2. Kill anyone you don't like the look of and stuff them down a fucking sewer entrance.


Look at this cunt. You think you can just jog around the suburb, minding your own business and being friendly to anyone who crosses your path? Not on 47's watch, son.


3. Guards are appallingly short-sighted.


Here, you can see that 47 has murdered an innocent woman. However, the highly-trained FBI agents across the road are totally unaware of this, due to their inability to see more than ten feet in front of them. On the other hand, there is also a distinct possibility that they saw the murder, but just don't care about it due to the victim being black.


4. Soothe the guilt.


At a glance, it may look like 47 has killed a binman, taken his clothes, and is about to pile him into a garbage truck. However, this is not quite the case. 47 has merely knocked the man unconscious, and is now loading the body into the truck to be crushed. This way, 47 can con himself into thinking that he isn't really a murderer, and that the death of the man is the fault of the truck. Thus, he can walk away happily whistling My Old Man's A Dustman by Lonnie Donegan - an activity that we would recommend to all assassins.


5. Open fire on large groups of government agents.


No real reason for this one. I just thought the screenshot was funny.

THIS CONCLUDES THE FIRST PART OF OUR EXCELLENT GUIDE. CONTINOUSLY HAMMER F5 LIKE A TOTAL FUCKNUT OVER THE NEXT WEEK OR SO FOR EVEN MORE EXCELLENT SUPER-KILLINGS ADVICE!!!

Reasons why Tokyo is better #512

All the old people dress like this:


He can be our grandad any day.

The month of June...

...Initially named after T4 presenter June "the hat" Sarpong by scientologists in the year 65 million BC has literally featured nothing of interest at all worth writing about.

Fear not however as after almost a month of eating nothing but raisins and ham, childsupermodels.com finally became boring enough to encourage us to go outside and find something better to do*.

The 24th New Generation World Hobby Fair 2006



It's a well known fact that when you're reduced to writing internet blogs about conventions that feature games that have already been on sale for several months, it's probably time to pack it all in and get a job at future publishing. Still there we were, knee** deep in eight year old Japanese children, all of whom would spend up to two hours waiting to play New Super Mario Brothers - a game that had been avaliable to the general public for almost a month.

This had its advantages though, as armies of Nintendo ladies handed out Mario hats (of which we recived TWO). They also had excellent T-shirts which we were told could not be bought. When asked if we could have hers she giggled in a sweet and typically nice Japanese lady manner before having us escorted from the building by security.

Highlights featured a playable version of Mario Basketball for the DS - a game developed by Square-Enix, yet oddly lacking in pop up menus and spikey haired twats. Also playable was Super Paper Mario but due to the two hour line we decided (as the professionals we are) to make use of the hundreds of people filling up Picto Chat...

Turns out nobody was up for it so we moved over to the Sega stand.

Now, we're not criticising Sega or anything, we'd just like to point out how saddened we are that a company who were once at the forefront of gaming should be reduced to...this. We don't even know what it is to be honest, we were so depressed that we swiftley moved to the next booth dabbing our eyes with complimentary tissues.

Now here was something we could smile about. The only other game that isn't Me and My Katamari or Lumines to prove to the world that the PSP isn't just an over priced chunk of plastic - equivalent to an over sized iPod. The Loco Roco booth's centerpiece was a giant moving ceramic white PSP with tiny Loco Rocos rolling about inside. inside the giant Loco Roco tent were playable demos and the chance to win some Loco Roco badges. We would have tried but we were busy with more important errands.

Finally we decided that due to lack of interest from outside parties, and the constant stress of fighting through swarms upon swarms of hyper-active Japanese children - it was time to leave.

Edit: this article has been edited because some people can't handle two of the same photograph. Cunts.

The 24th New Generation World Hobby Fair took place on the 17th-18th July 2006. To the following people:

Satoshi Tsumabuki
Hiroshi Tamaki
Akifumi Miura
Koen Kondo
Aya Hirayama
Yuya Nishikawa
Katsuyuki Yamazaki

and all the staff on security, Johnny Apocalypse would like to personally apologise for his dissorderly behaviour and lack of regard for health and safety regulations. He's glad the four children were found, and that the piano sustained no damage through the course of his actions.

*There is nothing better than childsupermodels.com and that's fact!

**Cock.

2K Games drops "da (Vinci) bomb!"

As you probably all know, Tom Hanks has been pissing on Catholicism. What you might not know, is that now you can too! With "The Da Vinci Code: The official game of the movie of the book".

We're expecting some excellent feedback from Rome, alongside a 9/10 from Richard and Judy.

In the meantime, please enjoy this in-game screen shot;


Next week: Rockstar's controversial "GTA: Vatican City".

Chris Moyles' face found in Tokyo!

And he's selling some colourful biscuits!

This may well be the scariest thing we've ever found. Ever.

The legacy continues

In keeping with our promise to bring coverage of the continuing development on what was once the heart and soul of Xbox 360 in Japan: 'The 360 Lounge', we made our way back to its gravesite to observe the aftermath of its collapse.

Question 1: What the fuck is this?

We're not the most perceptive of fellows, but to us, that looks a lot like 'not a big white construction site'. We smell something foul at work...

Question 2: No really, what the fuck is it?

It appears to be...another cafe! This isn't the 360 Lounge. Who the hell's in charge here?

Question 3: Are you crying as much as we are?

You see what they did there? The realised that the 360 Lounge just wasn't a permanent business venture so they built this "world cup viewing cafe" instead. Absolutely ingenious.

Stay tuned after World Cup season as we investigate the "August Cafe".

Hoorah.

For those who said "It's not that expensive"

£300 worth of Japanese yen gets you a box of hard drive. We're terrified to imagine what "open price" means. Still if you're after a console worth owning...

(This may be changed at a later date according to whether we have to eat our own words or not)

For those concerned for the 360's future:

Please head here

This is Next-Gen, where they take physics and add their own rules.

God bless Tecmo.

A word from our sponsors:

Comments about Sony's "Wii" coming soon.

Controversial game in game controversey

There was a time when a mod was nothing but a bloke on a scooter supposedly at war with another bloke because they didn't like the same music.

Nowadays, although the word stays the same, the meaning is something much darker, more sinister than anything the 1960s could throw at us. In recent light of mods that allow us to view such horrors as naked children in the Sims, and black people having sex in Grand Theft Auto, Bethesda have provided the middle-class white world with something new to complain about.

Topless women!

Can you imagine that? Women...but without their tops on. They are literally topless. Like you can see their breasts. Their topless naked breasts. The concept scares the willies out of us.

Of course we say Bethesda, but in actual fact it's a group of elite hackers, probably Chinese, who are corrupting our computer screens with this downloadable filth.

Or is it?

As you can see below, this is a screen-shot taken from the "un-modable" Xbox 360 version of The Elderscrolls 4: Oblivion. See if you can spot what's wrong...

Well looky here! I suppose you think two scantily clad women spooning by a log fire is acceptable behaviour to be teaching our children. I suppose this kind of thing is okay is it?

Really Bethesda, sometimes we can't help but think that you're actually all gay.

Yeah, alright, calm down.

I'm going to assume each of those comments on the last post were by different people, and not just one person, called Amelia.

I haven't posted for ages because I've been living in a fantasy world where I don't have any uni work to do, then just the other day I left said fantasy world and realised I've got two weeks to do an entire semester's worth of work. Panic ensued, and has no intention of stopping until the 15th of May. Then I will be in some form of coma for possibly several weeks, if I am not already dead.

Right now I also have a headache because the postman DARED to wake me up this morning by actually delivering some fucking mail for once. Prick.

So, I'm going to fix everything by playing Yoshi's Island on the toilet. Like, whilst I'm sat on it. Pooing. Although knowing my luck there'll probably be a massive fucking spider by the air-vent again.

I hate spiders, and am definitely not afraid of them.

At all.

Generic Next-Gen Nintendo joke #237:

Q.) What did Nintendo do in their toilet?

A.) They drew a picture of a boat.

Final Fan-girls round the clock coverage!

I wonder how many of these we can do before the internet just folds in on itself and doesn't let us touch it anymore?


Well, here we are again with another 'interesting' plunge into the depths of Japanese videogame culture. As you can see from the photograph above, this time it's to the 'Square Enix Show Case'; a paradise for lonely white men who came to Japan to pick up naive Japanese women.



And here's the case itself. Wow, that really is quite showy - you too can look like Tidus/Mr T for a mere 580 dollars. We were going to buy it, until a rival crew burst in and gang banged us on the spot, before grabbing the 'rocks that we got' and taking off around the 'block'.



Now, this is more our price range - plastic figurines of games we know very little about. In fact, we once did a cross comparison of Gundam and Front Mission, the results of which turned out positive. And now they're all dead.



The main attraction of the 'show case' is this. A life-sized replica (well, we assume it's a replica) of Sephiroth set into the floor incased in Mako (well, we assumed it was Mako). Note the surrounding women as they praise his body, kiss his feet and stare on in shock as they discover the boulder has been rolled away from the opening of the tomb. This went on for quite some time...



and on...



And on, until we got so bored that when the area actually cleared, the only photo we could be bothered taking was this one:


Shhh, daddy's got a suprise for you.

Final Fantasy 12 Coverage: The Final Straw.

Forget all that shite, we found something even better!


Is that...I think it is...A PSP! But wait...is that...Oh good lord....A GIRL!

This is probably the best day anybody has ever had EVER.

(This may well be the lowest point we've ever reached with regards to the site, we fully apologise and wish for you all to know that we don't usually stand outside Starbucks spying on women, we've just not been very well lately. Love you xxx)

Final Fantasy 12: Coverage continues.

What's happened so far:

We tripped over the power lead and unplugged the PS2, so we've just started the opening FMV again.

More coming soon, but for now: Cheap/Unnecessary models of Rumble Roses characters. Only one week to go!

It's going to get so so messy.

Sir Molyneux gets his own road.

He must've done at some point, anyway. Because we found it yesterday. Look!


Sadly, it's just some skanky back-street in an awful town called Northwich. The entire town has actually been sinking into the ground for a number of years now, apparently due to the FAMOUS SALT-MINES underneath. My theory is that the town is descending to its rightful place in Hell itself, but there you go.

Still - makes you wonder what the queen's playing at, doesn't it? She goes out of her way to give Wallace and Gromit posh suburban cul-de-sacs, and yet Sir Molyneux gets a dank little corner in a backwards town where you can't get any phone signal unless you're on Orange.

Sort it, Queenie.

Final Fantasy 12: Round the clock coverage!

After extensive playing of Square Enix's latest tediously over-hyped RPG, our current status is:

Still waiting for the opening FMV to end.

More exciting coverage coming soon, but for now: School-girls used panties.

Regarding blue paint.

Whenever we go to Disney Land we always look forward to one thing in particular. Where as most children our age enjoy the rides and the characters, there's nothing we love more than to queue up for hours on end, listening to whining children complain that they're "hungry", or that they "need the toilet", or that we're "touching them", just for a (usually less than) thirty second mind numbingly boring experience.

Imagine our joy when we discovered we could re-live the adventure just down the road, in the most child friendly place in Tokyo; Akihabara.

This is what the back of a mans head looks like at 5am - if you've only had three hours sleep and haven't turned macro mode off on your camera. The lack of sun also means lack of heat, which leads to lack of feeling in your hands, which leads to excellent masturbation.

Just as we were about to settle down for the three hour wait ahead of us, out of nowhere a fucking McDonald's lorry turns up and causes all kinds of excitement. It made a delivery, then drove off, quick as a flash. Later it turned out that this would be the most interesting part of the morning.

As the day became lighter, these two children found it amusing to play with their Crystal White iPod, so as to annoy everyone around them. We grinned knowingly as we reached into our pockets and fingered the delicate ten-thousand yen bank notes. Warm fleshy bank notes.

As we neared the store entrance the queue divided in two, one for "Enamel Navy" and one for "Ice Blue". We were going to make a joke here in which we'd say "you know, in the space of two weeks we've seen more lines than Pete Doherty", but we decided not to.

This man entertained the crowds by beat-boxing non-stop for five hours.

Across the street we noticed a large line of people. Taking the large risk to assume that this was also for DS Lites, we did some clever maths and worked out that buying and selling TWO units would equal at least one and a half times the original profit.

Thus having queued up non-stop for a whole morning we finally bought this...

And this...

And are already knee deep in bags of cocaine and whores.

Final Fantasy XII Potion: REVIEWED

Because if we didn't, we'd still be sat around in our underwear watching all three series of Peep Show whilst eating sugar from the bag. Words follow...


There it is, a big white box. Maybe it's a new iPod. We need a new iPod, seeing as the last one drowned in our salty tears as we sat through the billionth U2-endorsed commercial. I bet Bono doesn't have any potions. Irish twat.


Once you're inside the box it all gets a bit Jean-Paul Gaultier. Pour Homme? Pour Hommosexual more like, HAHAHAHA! (This is as funny as this post is going to get)


In every box you'll also find a limited edition trading card. Here you can see what appears to be some kind of airship, cleverly designed to look like all the other airships from any Square Enix game ever. We'll probably sell this on eBay later and make a million pounds.


It's a shame really that once you take away the big white box, the big shiny trading card and the big plastic pointy cap thing, you're left with nothing but a victorian medicine bottle - the contents of which tastes like parma violets, the worst of the swizzle-based sweets. We can't help but feel that it's all an elaborately over-hyped waste of money, marketed to an easily-pleased group of boring cunts who spend their lives collecting shite and fantasizing over obnoxious spikey blonde American twats.

It did restore 100 HP though: 40/40

The Aftermath...

Time for a lesson in maths.

If you bought a DS Lite on launch day for 16,000 Japanese Yen (which equals approximately 80 English Pounds and 160 American Dollars), how brilliant will you feel when you sell it at the same price as major high-street second-hand stores?

Answer:


Mmm... inflation gone mad.

We've got a brand new iPod!

To go alongside all our other iPods:





Photos of long lines follow:


This was the line.


This was the sign (we're fucking rhyming, now. Oh, and the sign says 'LINE STOPS HERE', because we were right at the back)


The one on the bottom is mine (eat that, Puff Daddy).

We'd especially like to thank the French man in front of us who stepped out of line to get us a coffee, even though he wasn't sure if we'd let him back in or not (which we tried not to but failed). Look forward to more coverage as we queue up for the next colour of the DS lite, and waste even more of both our and your precious precious time.