Something to look at (and possibly read)

Look at us! We're like a real gaming news web-site or something, bringing you real photographs from a real convention from real Japan. You'd think we were getting paid or something!

Event: The All Nippon Amusement Machine Operator's Union (or AOU, yes that's right AOU, we have no idea either).

Attendees: Mainly fat men with glasses and huge cameras (over-compensating for something).

Games: Lots, including stuff you've never heard of (and never will), because you live in a country where marketing a Pop Idol style Tamagochi arcade game to fully-grown businessmen will never EVER take off.

Women: Many, wearing very little. Pictures follow. God bless Japan.


It started like any other event - we queued up with all the commoners wishing we had press passes and staring at the odd creatures litering the event banners.


Our first port of call was the Sega stand, where we got to see some Virtua Striker 4, or 5. Or maybe 6. Does anyone really care anymore?


Konami prove us wrong, as they showcase Winning Eleven 2006 (that means Pro Evo) to what appears to be one photographer and two members of staff (it's funny because we're making it look that way, even though it was actually quite popular!)

Bored of that, we moved swiftly to the Half Life 2: Survivor area. The game itself is a little bit like Resident Evil: Survivor, but based on an entirely different game. It's pretty brave of them to launch it in Japanese game centers, since the amount of successful PC FPS to arcade-game conversions are somewhat low. Also, a frame rate that doesn't render it unplayable would be nice. We give it SLOWDOWN OUT OF TEN.

(GLASS MUSEUM SAYS: Johnny told me off because I mis-spelled 'render' when I proof-read this post. HOWEVER he is the one who got slowdown and lag confused, so he can fuck off.)

(Johnny Apocalypse says: FUCK OFF.)

It wasn't just games on show, here we see the latest in Pachinko machines, from some company we didn't bother to find the name of. Look, everyone! Fat people gambling! Japan really is becoming America.

Back to games; Pink Sweets is a top down shooter that's had a lot of coverage over at insertcredit.com. It's kind of gay, but it does have some bonuses:

This nice lady gave us a rose, and a strobe flashing ring shaped also like a rose, which later gave us an epileptic fit having put it right next to our eyes in the dark. As usual the quality of photography is average-to-poor. Live with it. We do.

Inspired, we went looking for more women, the only problem being that for every one woman we found, there were always several lonely just-about-to-throw-myself-infront-of-the-Shinkansen fan boys included. So the search went on...

And on...

Until a nice representative from Sega ushered us to one side to catch a better glimpse of the madness strewn across Sega's main stage.

Rather vuluptuous Japanese ladies in tiny shell bikinis playing musical chairs with fat men dressed as fish. You have to hand it to Sega, they really do know what the people want.

Tired of having a raging hard-on all day we headed to the next door to the sofa convention, where we let off some well deserved steam*, as we did outside when we found a marching brass band of school children.


And yet another man with a camera, and drool running down his face. We love Japan.

*(Semen. We had a wank. Bet you thought we were gonna leave it out, too.)

EXCLUSIVE: Update that isn't about wanking.

Only kidding; we just had a wank.

It was great.

EXCLUSIVE Marilyn Manson Interview

And I bet you thought we do nothing but sit around and play videogames all day. No - our lives are a constant barrage of celebrity-strewn cocaine-addled parties, baths that are full with milk instead of water, and necklaces with little hens' teeth on them.

I wasn't sure whether to put hens' or hen's there, but I decided you'd need the teeth from several hens to make a decent necklace, so I went with hens'.

So anyway. We caught up with Marilyn Manson the other day to ask him about recent claims that he's a bit of a DS fanatic. The claims appeared to be true right off the bat, as he stood there in the middle of HMV, happily solving a case on Pheonix Wright: Ace Attorney.

"It's fucking wicked, mate", he told us. "It's a proper leap forward in gaming. The PSP can lick my anus - because I'm into that sort of thing."

Wise words indeed. And what games have you been particularly enjoying, Mr. Manson?

"Oh, fucking... fucking all of them. Yeah. That driving one... what's it called? Burnup? Burnout. Yeah, Burnout. That's fucking Reznor, that is. Trauma Center is amazing, too - oh, oh, hang on. Watch this.... OBJECTION!!! Haha. I fucking love this lawyer game. But yeah, Trauma Center. Playing that means I can relieve myself of the urge to cut up human flesh without having to do it to my 14 year-old groupies or my own arms for fuckin' once. Still, check this out..."

He rolls up one of his sleeves, and explains that he's been practicing his Castlevania DS runes on his arms.

"That fourth boss one... I think it was the giant ice fish? That was a right pain in the arse, that", he says. "I fucking beat him, though. Fucking Reznor, mate".

Clearly he's not a gamer to be messed with, then. Still, we imagine simple patterns are easier to remember once you've carved them into your wrists a couple of times.

Anyway, we had other celebs to go and meet, so we swiftly exchanged Nintendogs trainer info with him, and parted ways.

Marilyn Manson. A true rockstar.
1969 - 2006

SCi make special announcement about special Tomb Raider: Special.

SCi have announced that a 'special' Tomb Raider game is to be released later this year, in order to help celebrate the franchise's tenth anniversary.

Assuming they're not stupid enough to mean Tomb Raider Legend, this means there will be two Tomb Raider games released this year, equalling twice the usual amount of penile chafing.

Upon hearing about the tenth anniversary, it came to our attention that Lara is therefore technically ten years old. This means we still have two more years' worth of reliable masturbation material before she loses all appeal.

There was going to be an image here of Lara Croft saying something really really funny, like "Would you just look at my big round tits?". But we've decided to take a far more literary approach to this year's gaming, and also, we had our hands full.

Full with our cocks.

ANIMAL CROSSING: WILD WORLD REVIEW

IT RECOGNISES THE WORD 'CUNT' AND CENSORS IT

A MILLION OUT OF TEN, MYSPAZZ GAME OF THE MONTH

I have a headache

But I just had a wank, so it'll go away soon.

Happy New Year!

In case you hadn't noticed, it is now the middle of January, and we haven't written anything since Christmas. I would blame our new year's resolution ('let the site fall into a state of utter disrepair'), but in all honesty, I've been wanking myself into a coma over Kokoro from Dead or Alive 4, and as for Glass... well, the same kind of thing, but with Phoenix Wright.

We promise to do better in future, we really do. There'll be some new updates with "cool" new features and a "stylin'" interface. There may even be some badly-taken photos with very little sort-of funny things written about them, who knows?

For the time being, if you could kindly imagine a collection of funny words and images and LOL so much that people in the room say "What is that you're LOLing at?", and reply with "Why, 'tis MySpazz.com, funniest of the poorly-run game-based internet blogs", it would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, also

We'd like to send out a special thankyou to the person who found this blog by doing a Google image search for "prince of persia tits".

May nothing but happiness come through your door.

HELLO SORRY SORRY HELLO

We'd like to APOLOGISE to all our REGULAR READERS out there for not updating much lately. This is because we have been spending all our time looking at pretty girls on Myspace and sighing because even if they're single we know we'd have no chance with them.

Also we have been doing the following:

- Playing Mario Kart DS, whilst pooing.

- Playing Façade and trying to make Trip be gay with us.

- Failing.

- Getting a custom "I <3 PETER MOLYNEUX" charity wristband made.

- Wondering what Peter Molyneux would think if he knew we existed.

- Deciding it's probably good that he doesn't.

- Having gay orgies on Second Life.

- Not doing our university coursework, due to being busy with all of the above.

Oh, and has anyone seen Johnny Apocalypse? He was last seen disappearing into the mountains, and I miss him.

Merry Christmas From Myspazz.com

If we don't update soon, it's because we're playing Mario Kart and simultaneously wanking ourselves into a stupor.

Love

The Myspazz Cru'

What's Glass Museum playing on the toilet this week?

Advance Wars DS!


And he still can't get past mission 20.

Dog urinates on 360 Lounge.

Nothing much else to report.

THINGS IT TURNS OUT YOU SHOULDN'T DO IN REAL LIFE #5,263

TELL STRANGERS ABOUT THE MASSIVE GAY ORGY YOU HAD ON AN ONLINE GAME LAST NIGHT

How many Japanese folk does it take to buy an Xbox?

This many:
Only joking, some people actually did turn up, most of them white and fat with beards and glasses, and name tags that read "Vivendi Universal".

This was the view from the back of the actual queue. If you look closely you can see that I'm not really playing mario kart, it's all an elaborate trick to make it look like the Nintendo DS is more fun than the 360. Which it actually is, by the way.


Once inside, we got to choose from the SIX launch games. Two of those were made by EA. One of those was Tetris. We were getting the impression that Microsoft weren't exactly taking this seriously.

Having realised no one was going to buy anything, Microsoft reps started packing up, then quickly left to throw themselves infront of the Shinkansen.

Inside the bag we got this excellent coffee cup, with instructions to use it at "the Xbox360 Cafe".

No thank you; we've been there, it was shite.


Just before we escaped with our overly-heavy waste of space, we got to try our luck on the giant Xbox360 "gatcha-gatcha" machine. If you look closely you can see that even the nice ladies' costumes have been designed for the launch. Let's take a closer look;

Yes it does, doesn't it.


The guy infront of us won Ridge Racer 6; all we won were these crappy tickets to see Liverpool play in Yokohama! It's okay though - we swapped them for a pack of really cool badges. That'll show them.


Having spent the morning immersed in white and green we headed on home in hopes that we'd find something far more interesting to look at.
And we did.

Snake eating 101 (featuring the Indian one from Blue Peter)

We saw Shigeru Miyamoto!

He told us not to worry about the success of the Revolution, and pointed calmly at the unmanned Xbox 360 behind him. He then offered to suck our cocks for drug money as long as we didn't tell anyone.

And we never did.

Xbox 360: Best Graphics EVER!

Note the creative use of black splodges to represent the oppression of women in modern society. This alone is almost enough to justify reading all those automated e-mails from Amazon.

Remember the PSP?

It was amazing! It was the first handheld you could play MP3s on without buying extra stuff for it, you could even watch films - like Spiderman 2! You could view all your photos on its really big high-quality screen, even ones of naked ladies touching other naked ladies. If you stood outside a house that was rich enough to have a wireless internet router, you could view even more naked ladies - and KIDS - and it was the family who's router you were using who'd get arrested by the police! It even played games, and not the shit ones like Grand Theft Auto and Burnout; we're talking Space Invaders, Jet Set Willy, Dig Dug and Pacman.

Best of all: We saw one:

This guy was special - we didn't know of anyone who owned a PSP anymore. He was middle aged and had a suit and a brief case and everything. We figured since he was Japanese he must be watching a video of a 16 year old girl washing dishes in a maid's outfit and saying things like "I found blood in my urine", but no, he was playing Donkey Kong.

There's not a lot we can learn from this experience other than, Japanese businessmen know tricks. They may seem like depressed, overworked, drunken molesters, but that aside, they can swap a memory stick like David fucking Blaine.

Kudos to you Mr Salary man, we got you all wrong.

LIFEBLOG #2!

Today, I have decided I am gonna write about everything I do in unneccesary and sometimes disturbing detail. I'll be updating it constantly throughout the day, so keep checking back for more exciting news!!!

13:15 - Wake up. Have a wank into my boxers because I might as well since I'll be taking them off when I get up anyway.

13:30 - Fall back to sleep again because of the wank.

14:00 - Wake up again, get out of bed, get dressed.

14:05 - Spit into the bathroom sink, then have a brief swig of orange juice to get the funny 'mleh' taste out of my mouth. Have a morning dump whilst playing Castlevania on the DS. Spend a few minutes wondering how many other people are as lucky as me. Conclusion: not many.

14:15 - Poo was a bit runny. Must drink less orange juice, and eat more sausage rolls.

16:55 - I'm not really sure what I've done for the last two hours and forty minutes.

17:30 - Looked at my old house on Google Earth.

19:30 - Wrote a new a song.

20:00 - Helped a friend find a Commander Bacara figure. I'm starting to think this entry was a bad idea, as the day is actually turning out to be somewhat productive, when I was actually hoping for lots of self-deprecation, misery, rage, and boredom. God, I can't do anything right.

20:01 - Oh, there we go.

21:50 - Thought about having a shower. Decided not to bother. Yeah!

22:29 - Realised that, about two hours ago, I ate an entire pack of Party Rings for dinner, but forgot to mention it here. When I was little, I was able to put my finger through the hole in the middle, but now I can't.

23:20 - Went to the toilet, and got a bit of wee on the seat, but managed to clean it off.

00:30 - Started playing City of Heroes because I'm nearly at level 20, and when I hit level 20 I'll finally be able to earn a cape, which will be the best thing ever.

05:45 -

06:00 - Bed.

Animals like hate crimes too.

Literally days after the release of Animal Crossing: Wild World for the Nintendo DS, shocking new evidence proves that even make-believe towns of anthropomorphic animals are a hazard to our children:

Just to prove that there's nothing to it

Here's a photo of Maria Sharapova:


MARIA SHARAPOVA! mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova

Animal Cross(Dress)ing!!! The best kind.

That's right, folks; it's finally here, the reason why the DS was always going to outwit the PSP and the Microsoft Bubble: Animal Crossing Wild World!


This was what the back of the queue looked like. We tried to get to the front by telling people we were David Bowie and Sting. They said they didn't like the Beatles.


At the front of the line were two staff dressed as everyone's favourite Animal Crossing characters: Pikachu and Obi Wan Kenobi. They told us when we reserved the game that there'd be a free gift waiting for us. All we got was a scratch card. Fucking liars.

Having finally played the game, we can honestly say it is this: good. It retains the same inventive gameplay featured in the Cube version but adds a genuine freshness through the utilisation of the stylus and microphone. Best of all, the wi-fi element adds a whole new dimension to portable gaming, and allows you to swap hentai with middle-aged men in Asakusa.


We give it Bestiality out of Ten.

Eddie Guerrero is still dead!

Which would be terrible news, if Animal Crossing DS wasn't out in Japan tomorrow, but it is, so instead of mourning his loss we're celebrating his life instead.

Don't worry kids, something interesting has to happen soon. It has to; even masturbation isn't as fun as it used to be.

PSP in "not bad" shocker.

This week saw the release of Talkman, the latest language guidance tool from Sony. It comes with a clip-on microphone and teaches the player phrases in Japanese, Chinese, and Korean. It also teaches a degraded form of English, called "American English".

The best part?

Microsoft: "We haven't really thought this through :'("

Hey, kids! Are you enticed by horribly square white things? Are you also a queer? Yeah? Then welcome to the Xbox 360 Cafe!

Ooh, look; Things we don't need but can spend our money on, because God help us should we ever purchase any actual software for the machine; we're not that desperate.

A really big ceiling mounted thing! This should distact our attention from the abysmal games and awful tasting coffee, at least until Dead or Alive Volleyball 2 comes out.

Why is no one playing Kameo? OH WAIT, I KNOW, IT'S BECAUSE IT'S UTTER SHIT. I'm off to the loo.

In case you were wondering, that isn't photoshopped. Someone actually designed it that way. Amazing. The notice on the toilet said something about updating to a 30GB hardrive to use the "big flush" mechanism.

This was the best part of the experience - washing the stench of pre-determined failure from our hands!

Outside, a lorry with 6 foot high images of Maria Sharapova made us smile; even UK:R don't have photos like this. And so we went home to think about Nintendo, and how we'll never stop loving them, even if they are also a little bit gay.

DREAMBLOG!

Last night, I had a dream where I was in a class in high school, and I had to write an essay - under exam conditions - about Richer Sounds, the hi-fi shop that used to be ace, and their recent unethical business tactics. I knew nothing about this, so I wrote about two lines about how they've just gone a bit crap lately due to their new focus on home cinema stuff instead of hi-fi equipment. Then my teacher walked over and read my paper aloud to everyone, and they all laughed at me. Then she started teaching some other stuff, and someone came up behind me and put a hat on me. I couldn't see it, but it felt like it was made of cardboard, and I guess it had something written or drawn on it because everyone laughed at me again. I decided it was funnier if I didn't actually look at what was written on it. And I think I was right.

LIFEBLOG!

Visiting home is excellent, because your parents assume you know how to feed yourself because you've been at university for two years now, thus you should know better than to do something stupid like eat nothing but biscuits all day.

MONKEY THRUSTS CROTCH AT MAID!

Society = Charisma -12.

In other news, we got told off for taking this photograph:

Not because of security or anything, just because Sony's latest collection of games are utter shite, and they don't want you to know. See those spare controllers? The people playing on those all left to buy plastic figurines of schoolgirls, and throw themselves infront of the Shinkansesn.

A sequel from Square(Enix)? Surely not! But wait, this is Kingdom Hearts 2! (OMG), it's got Johnny Depp in it and EVERYTHING, it even features the hot (Little) Mermaid woman! It has to be good, right? Right? Mum?

This is a really big screen showing movie footage of Soul Calibur 3 that you could download about a month ago. The two men at the front are probably paedophiles.

These are our girlfriends. They have mechanical vaginas and hang around with Gwen Stefani. Thus we are better than you.

Afterwards we got invited to sit and watch a 30 minute presentation in which the phrase "Playstation 3" was subliminally flashed at us until it was burned into our retinas. Eventually an extended version of the Metal Gear 4 trailer was shown, with Otacon assuring us that the Playstation 3 would be worth the wait, and that giving our money to Microsoft would guarantee us all a dose of Foxdie. Laced with AIDS.

Here's the latest in game screen-shot. Snake is hiding in the air.

Kisses x.