MONKEY THRUSTS CROTCH AT MAID!

Society = Charisma -12.

In other news, we got told off for taking this photograph:

Not because of security or anything, just because Sony's latest collection of games are utter shite, and they don't want you to know. See those spare controllers? The people playing on those all left to buy plastic figurines of schoolgirls, and throw themselves infront of the Shinkansesn.

A sequel from Square(Enix)? Surely not! But wait, this is Kingdom Hearts 2! (OMG), it's got Johnny Depp in it and EVERYTHING, it even features the hot (Little) Mermaid woman! It has to be good, right? Right? Mum?

This is a really big screen showing movie footage of Soul Calibur 3 that you could download about a month ago. The two men at the front are probably paedophiles.

These are our girlfriends. They have mechanical vaginas and hang around with Gwen Stefani. Thus we are better than you.

Afterwards we got invited to sit and watch a 30 minute presentation in which the phrase "Playstation 3" was subliminally flashed at us until it was burned into our retinas. Eventually an extended version of the Metal Gear 4 trailer was shown, with Otacon assuring us that the Playstation 3 would be worth the wait, and that giving our money to Microsoft would guarantee us all a dose of Foxdie. Laced with AIDS.

Here's the latest in game screen-shot. Snake is hiding in the air.

Kisses x.

More 'east-side' madness

Or: More badly taken photos of things in Tokyo, in attempt to make some cheap laughs in a highly racist manner!

This is the welcome sign for Akihabara station, Tokyo. For those who don't know, Akihabara is a town of sleaze, perversion and forty year old businessmen who buy little plastic figures of girls in bondage.

It is also our favourite place in the whole of Japan.

Another poorly-shot photograph, this time of kids battling their nurtured beetles in front of a crowd of bored parents, who are thinking about throwing themselves infront of the shinkansen. The picture would have been better, but we had one hand in our trouser pocket.

We got our hands on House of the Dead 4, which features a new reload technique which involves SHAKING the gun. Just like in real life.


Finally, the Shadow of the Colossus boxed set, which is excellent, if you like poncing about on a horse not really knowing what to do. Still, the necklace makes us look like gangsta rappers which is all we really wanted in the first place.

EXCLUSIVE! Microsoft to enter handheld market!

There's a really funny joke somewhere there about some kind of physical representation of Microsoft somehow entering a tiny little market that just about fits into a pair of human hands.

BUT NO. It wouldn't actually be funny, AND we've got some actual news for once.

It was announced today that Microsoft are finally attempting to conquer the handheld gaming scene, just as easily as they won home console owners' hearts with the incredibly successful 'Ultra Halo 2 Machine'.

"To be honest, we're trying to keep this one fairly low-key", Microsoft's J Allard told us when we had a quick chat with him the other day, because that's the kind of thing we get up to. "The simple fact is, we think it's just too awesome for the general public. Our plan is pretty much to release the Xbox 360 just as a sort of dummy console. We'll then spend a fortune marketing that, while the REAL gamers will go beyond, and discover the Bubble for themselves."

Pretty cunning, Mr Allard. Still, what's so special about the Bubble, eh? Allard wouldn't tell us on the day, but a couple of hours after we spoke to him, we recieved the following picture in a mysterious e-mail. See what you make of it!

EMOFEST 2K5

I'm sorry everyone, but it's time for some seriously mega heart-rending blogging, Livejournal style.

The truth is, no matter how fashionable geeks may become, and no matter how insanely popular and funny their blogs are, girls are not interested in them. And they never will be, either.

We haven't pushed it in a lady since last December, and even that doesn't really count because she made us stop halfway through.

We're so lonely that we've even resorted to this:


...And even that didn't help our cause.

And that's it. There is no ultimate point to this entry. No punchline. We just wanted to let you know that we're just feeling a little down right now.

How down?

THIS DOWN:

:'(

Games journalism, innit

Being such highly regarded members of the gaming press*, we were invited** along to Konami's latest gaming expo in Tokyo's sunshine city exhibition centre, in Ikebukuro.

Here we were able to play the latest installment of one of the gaming giant's most popular series***, as well as taking photos of kids who will probably never get a girlfriend, work in an office for a faceless corporation and eventually throw themselves into the path of a speeding train, plunging their entire family into debt with the Japanese governement.


Afterwards, we pre-ordered a limited edition Pokemon Gameboy Micro and bought a copy of Super Princess Peach, over which we wanked ourselves into a frenzy and fell asleep.

FIN.


*(We just happened to walk past the right building at the right time)

**(Let in as long as we left after twenty minutes)

***(We still don't actually know what it was. We didn't even play it. We did get a free pin badge by harassing a member of staff, though. He's probably been fired now.)

Show us how much you love us

And do us a favour.

Actually, you probably don't love us at all, but do us the favour anyway.

We need everyone to go to the CITV website and vote for 'B - Manners' in the 'You say we play' thing on the left. It won't take you a second, and if it wins, the guy that wrote it will buy us a drink.

Mm!

Japanese society: An in-depth study of the workings of the Eastern mind in respect to its Western counterpart.

OR: We found a shop called "Hot Men's Box"!


We were going to have a serious look at games in Tokyo and the like, but then we found a loaf of bread covered in ice-cream and couldn't resist turning ourselves into a half-arsed version of Engrish.com.


Maybe we are just idiot Westerners taking advantage of the misundertandings between two cultures, but so what? We found a "No Elephants" sign.

We should also point out that this is a smoking elephant, the worst kind.

There'll be more of this type of nonsense up soon, along with pictures of Japanese porn shops and hentai games.

God, it's Something Awful all over again.

Peter Molyneux Myspace update!

He's got a message off a 43 year-old lady from Singapore, with two children!

Oh, Peter, you cad!

Let's see what she has to say for herself:

Hi there,

You are the one creating all those games? Wow, great brains ( L & R ) you have.

Just wondering if this your real name?
Sound weird to me but being honest and do pardon me.

Do take care and have a great weekend!

Man! It's been so long since we last talked to a girl that we've actually got no idea how to respond! Does that message mean she wants Peter inside her? Or d'you think she's interested because he seems like a fine, chivalrous gent who wouldn't so much as hold her hand without kindly asking for permission first?

Stupid women. You can't even hide from them on the internet these days.

400-700% rise in DS sales across Europe

Thanks to Nintendogs, the best game ever!

Fuck off, Sony!

We saw Peter Molyneux in real life!

Oh, and Ron Millar, too. But he's not a famous celebrity knight like Peter.

Anyway. As you may or may not be aware, Peter and Ron visited the London Virgin Megastore on Oxford Street the other day to give a demo of Black & White 2, in the hope that we'd all pay 35 fucking quid for it there and then so we could get our copies signed by the developers.


The demo got off to a rather bad start when Ron accidentally loaded up the wrong game, and everyone except Peter laughed!

They quickly tried to make up for it, though, by giving us some helpful hints and tips on how to play the game, including a few top-secret cheats!


Thanks, Pete!

After a while, though, everybody started to realise that Peter wasn't actually going to stop talking, ever, and we all started to get bored, Ron Millar included. He got so bored, in fact, that he decided to quickly alt-tab to MSN so he could chat with hot babes online while Peter wasn't looking, then switch back to Black & White 2 when he looked at the screen again.


He's not LOLing in this one because LOLing would've alerted Peter to the truth.

THE MORAL OF THIS BLOG ENTRY IS:
Don't ever LOL, or Peter Molyneux will catch you chatting with hot babes online.

I just swallowed my plectrum!

And here's a picture of Miyamoto Shigeru (that's how they say it in China) making crude - and somewhat racist - remarks at his latest autograph session in New York:


Oh, and if anyone has seen Glass Museum, I really miss him, and didn't mean what I said about catching AIDS from the PMS girls.

Or Blazin' Squad.

Ignore that last post about Truegamerz

Because I went along, and ended up being one of the two winners.

Therefore, Truegamerz is the BEST THING EVER. Highlights:

- Hardly anyone actually being there
- 'DeMega' commentating like a spack, and clearly having no idea what he's on about
- The referees #1: "Okay, so, it's the... is it Burnouts? Yeah, the first player to ten Burnouts wins."
- All the chavs playing FIFA and nothing else
- The final 'mystery game' turning out to be Smash TV
- Chatting up a nice lady from PMS
- The referees #2: "So.. who won?"
- Battlefield 2: Modern Combat repeatedly crashing
- The staff running around desperately trying to find people to actually compete
- The referees #3: "So.. which player are you again?"
- All the female staff being astonishingly fit

And I think the lady from TMF who interviewed me at the end deserves a special mention, due to her excellent questions. You want to know some gaming lingo? How's this:

|=UC|< Y()U

lol :(

We've made Peter Molyneux a Myspace page!

You can find it here.

It took us, like, fifteen minutes to make, so the least you ungrateful scrotes can do is go and look.

And add him to your friends list while you're at it. We've made him join a Lionhead group, so he might get some friends off there, but we'll see how it goes. Rest assured we'll keep you informed if anything happens!

Truegamerz, it's cool because it's spelled incorrectly

Do you have spiked, bleached-blonde hair?

Do have some of those glasses that let more light in than if you weren't wearing any at all?

Does your hat have 'Von Dutch' written on it?

Do you wear it indoors?

Do you buy your jeans ripped?

Are you listening to Mariah Carey?

Are you a cunt?

If so, you too could be a 'TRUE GAMERZ', representing attractive gamers from all over the UK. All six of them. You might be a geek, but you know how to party with it!! And the best thing is, it's all for charity! So if you win, you can tell that fit bird down the pub that you're a fucking nice guy.

We'd like to invade her space. LOL!

EGOTISM AND BOREDOM!!!

Or "What Happens When You Google Your Own Website Address"!

Yeah, that's right. We just got bored enough to do a Google search for "Myspazz.com" to see what would come up. In doing so, we discovered the following:


- Our friend Dave has been spamming the site address on the official Sigur Ros forum.

- Some guy called 'Gixxa' thinks we're ace. We're not, but thanks!

- Loads of people type 'myspazz.com' when they're actually linking to things on Myspace.com. For fuck's sake.

- This.


To be honest, we're just amazed that nobody said anything bad.

Forget Tokyo Games Show!

We didn't even go. Sure, we could pretend we went and make up a big review of it all as if we're were important enough to view the 'revolution' first hand whilst ogling booth babes, but we'd much rather deliver to you what we feel is important;

Fucking Fridge Magnets!


That's right, all kinds of fridge magnets. To think that my nan was going to throw these out! I mean, just look at the Blackpool one; paedophiles will pay a tonne on eBay for that. Forget Nintendo, the real revolution's right here.

We've finished MGS4!

And to think, this morning none of you even knew about it. That's how god-damn cool we are.

Here are some screen shots we took whilst waiting for the dialogue to finish:

This bit involves hiding behind a wall and talking to the colonel for eight hours. We finished it in three.
Snake's a bit older in this one, but he can still recognise a Russian helicopter, especially since it was in all his previous games.

In the end it turned out it wasn't Snake; it was a clone of Snake's father's brother's AI form that was developed by four thousand year-old presidents on a Commodore 64 in the eighties.

Having completed the game we unlocked a tuxedo! Fucking brilliant, didn't expect that at all.

Next week: Resident Evil 5 completed and unlocked. A page of words about a game that involves shooting things that are already dead, and running from a secret underground lab that's been set to self destruct for no apparent reason.

Our survey says:

WE TOLD YOU HE WAS FUCKING LYING!

Official Playstation 2 Magazine-UK: October Walkthrough.

Bored of reading? Are numerous words distracting you from critical gaming time? Do you really care if 187 Ride or Die is any good or not?

If you answered yes to all of those (apart from the last one, for which the answer should have been 'no') then Myspazz.com presents to you the definitive guide to this month's Official UK PS2 magazine. 146 pages condensed into a tiny, tiny bit of web-space, photographed and documented by our very own Johnny Apocalypse.



First up is page 19 in the form of Lisa Ralph. Here she is spouting a pun about nuts and screwing (LOL!!!1). Andy Masterson from Norwich writes in to say "she is one of the most naturally beautiful women I have ever seen". Nice one, Andy. Now, back to World of Warcraft where you can pretend that lady Night-Elves fancy you.



Next up is page 20, with an irrelevant reference to Kristin Kreuk. This was taken in soft focus for artistic merit. Not because I am shit with a camera.

Did someone say 'article about Smackdown vs Raw'? That totally calls for a picture of Stacey Keibler in her undies. Phew, to think it could have ended tragically with in-game screenshots!


Flicking to page 30 brings about some bollocks about The Frag Dolls travelling the country and representing female independence in gaming. It's not just because they're young and have fully-formed tits. Honest.


Page 36 and something about Prince of Persia's girlfriend. We can probably get jailed for copyright theft, what with uploading all these images. It's a good job we like it in the bum!



We don't really understand what this bit is, but it has a fantastic advert for Colin McRae 2005 on the PSP.


These two pages are from a preview of the game 'GUN' from Neversoft. Although the joke about 'choking our chickens' was hilarious, we can't help thinking that using the production budget to buy real guns to shoot the writers would have been more effective.


Ivy's crotch and Taki's arse; what better way to present a preview of Soul Calibur 3? Remember, kids: Gameplay over graphics, as is demonstrated in the image above.


Page 113 proves that no gaming publication is complete without a dodgy text-sex page. Personally, I can't believe people pay to hear a woman moan down the phone at them. I know girls who do that for free. I know girls who do only that.*

Page 114 and yet another picture of Stacey Keibler in her underwear. THQ could save themselves a load of money if they only thought for a second to get rid of any gameplay elements that aren't Stacey Keibler's knickers.


Finally the magazine ends with another text-sex page. 30 seconds? Do they think we're super-human or something?

Join us next week when we ask the questions 'is games journalism just an excuse to look at half dressed women?' and 'Is that a monster in your pocket, or are you erect?'.


*(this is a lie, Johnny Apocalypse has never spoken to a real lady in his entire life)

Frag Dolls quiz of the week, ruined by UK:Resistance.

We were gonna do a Frag Dolls quiz, right, but then UK:Resistance did a Frag Dolls thing, and we're enough of a UK:Resistance rip-off as it is. So instead, we've got:

What's Peter Molyneux lying about now?


a.) The size of the Nintendo Revolution contoller.

b.) Subway's new foot-and-a-half steak and cheese and steak and meat sandwich.

c.) His penis.

Answer revealed: Soon.

Forget what we said yesterday.

Gamespress.com is a sham. I mean, look at this:


You call this a games website, Gamespress? Get with the times.

We love Gamespress.com

We were just thinking that we'd like to do a quick post saying quite how much we love Gamespress.com, because they're amazing, and if we had our way they'd be called 'great'press.com!

Here's a picture of Princess Peach eating a lolly. Although to be honest, I prefer to imagine that the lolly is my nob.


I am still single.

The Emperor's New Album

As some of you may be aware, Sigur Ros' new album, 'Takk', is out soon. Actually, I think it might be out tomorrow, but hell, I don't really care because I downloaded it ages ago. But, y'know, let's see what some actual journalists think of it.

The Observer:


"With Takk, Sigur Rós have raised their game, to the extent that 'Glósóli"s euphoric power-surge and the Ice Age balladry of 'Hoppípola' tap into the same exquisitely modern sense of simultaneous connectedness and disconnection that Orbital defined when they titled 'Halcyon (and On and On)' after their mother's brand of tranquillizers."

Ponce. NEXT!

The Sunday Times:


"If they so choose, Sigur Ros can give U2 a run for exhilarating, crash-bang rock."

Wow, U2? Seriously?

The Wire:


"Takk embodies all the negative qualities extended way beyond their natural span; it mistakes an ability to think big for an ability to engage an audience; and far from pushing at boundaries it merely creates boundaries of its own. What began as an intriguing Icelandic mixof abstraction and emotion has ended up sounding like an indie Last Night of the Proms."

See this guy? He's the one telling the truth. I love Sigur Ros, I really do. But Takk only has three good songs, and one of them is a Mogwai rip-off. I was tempted to put said three songs on here for you all to download and say "Hooray! Myspazz.com just saved me twelve quid", but I don't think EMI would've liked that, and I stopped being rebellious a few weeks ago when I realised that my parents were cooler than me.

Anyway, you don't have to listen to me, because apparently I hate anything happy anyway. Which is probably true.

Sean Penn Watch: Continues...

This week, Sean's filling New Orleans up with water.


At least it's better than making another film about retards. More coming soon.

Spot the cliche...

This is D1rt (do you see?), she's a "Sassy Rock Chick" who's going to be "The next Lara Croft", just like Blood Rayne and that bird from Stolen were. Here's the usual marketing shite (we've highlighted the best bits);

A fast paced action adventure title, set across 14 levels; players take on the role of DIRT, an unlikely heroine with a shadowy past. From the deserts of Nevada, to secret government research facilities, DIRT faces near unstoppable opposition. RPG Lite 'Play as you want' system allows the player to experience each level from their preferred style, Stealth, Aggression, Exploration or Sharp Shooting. Multiple offensive and defensive moves make DIRT a resourceful character in a fight, with over 20 weapons to level at her foes. A teen chic with attitude – God help the opposition.

• Hardcore action meets RPG featuring Nu Generation's RPG Lite technology to produce an unobtrusive, straight forward and ultimately rewarding character enhancement system.
• Over 10 special offensive and defensive moves to choose. Use these on their own or combine them with traditional blasting to produce wild new emergent game play styles and innovative new combos.
• Traditional blasting fans will not be disappointed either, with close to 20 traditional weapons from 9mms to S.M.G to R.P.G to Rail Gun, Pheromone gun and Graviton beam.
• Fast and flexible movement system tailored for combat game play. The game features compact and dynamic dodge moves as well as traditional jump and double jump.
• Interact and save the NPCs in the game world with compelling risk Vs reward stakes to earn extra information and abilities.
• Rigid body dynamics, rag doll and vehicles are all accounted for in the realistic physics engine that drives the "DIRT" game world.
• Fight a vast array of mutated abominations, as well as Black Op Marines and their arsenal of weapons.

D1rt is yet to have a release date, and gets a Chris Martin on the LOL-Meter.

Word from the front line; the hand-held war rages on.

To be fair, there's not really a war. It's just a thing that shit journalists say to make corporate marketing and pictures of silicon chips seem more interesting. Here's what we learned today:

PSP can do this:


Whereas the DS does this*:


Sorry, Nintendo. Sony have won this round.

*Artist's impression. Not an actual photograph.