Final Fan-girls round the clock coverage!

I wonder how many of these we can do before the internet just folds in on itself and doesn't let us touch it anymore?


Well, here we are again with another 'interesting' plunge into the depths of Japanese videogame culture. As you can see from the photograph above, this time it's to the 'Square Enix Show Case'; a paradise for lonely white men who came to Japan to pick up naive Japanese women.



And here's the case itself. Wow, that really is quite showy - you too can look like Tidus/Mr T for a mere 580 dollars. We were going to buy it, until a rival crew burst in and gang banged us on the spot, before grabbing the 'rocks that we got' and taking off around the 'block'.



Now, this is more our price range - plastic figurines of games we know very little about. In fact, we once did a cross comparison of Gundam and Front Mission, the results of which turned out positive. And now they're all dead.



The main attraction of the 'show case' is this. A life-sized replica (well, we assume it's a replica) of Sephiroth set into the floor incased in Mako (well, we assumed it was Mako). Note the surrounding women as they praise his body, kiss his feet and stare on in shock as they discover the boulder has been rolled away from the opening of the tomb. This went on for quite some time...



and on...



And on, until we got so bored that when the area actually cleared, the only photo we could be bothered taking was this one:


Shhh, daddy's got a suprise for you.

Final Fantasy 12 Coverage: The Final Straw.

Forget all that shite, we found something even better!


Is that...I think it is...A PSP! But wait...is that...Oh good lord....A GIRL!

This is probably the best day anybody has ever had EVER.

(This may well be the lowest point we've ever reached with regards to the site, we fully apologise and wish for you all to know that we don't usually stand outside Starbucks spying on women, we've just not been very well lately. Love you xxx)

Final Fantasy 12: Coverage continues.

What's happened so far:

We tripped over the power lead and unplugged the PS2, so we've just started the opening FMV again.

More coming soon, but for now: Cheap/Unnecessary models of Rumble Roses characters. Only one week to go!

It's going to get so so messy.

Sir Molyneux gets his own road.

He must've done at some point, anyway. Because we found it yesterday. Look!


Sadly, it's just some skanky back-street in an awful town called Northwich. The entire town has actually been sinking into the ground for a number of years now, apparently due to the FAMOUS SALT-MINES underneath. My theory is that the town is descending to its rightful place in Hell itself, but there you go.

Still - makes you wonder what the queen's playing at, doesn't it? She goes out of her way to give Wallace and Gromit posh suburban cul-de-sacs, and yet Sir Molyneux gets a dank little corner in a backwards town where you can't get any phone signal unless you're on Orange.

Sort it, Queenie.

Final Fantasy 12: Round the clock coverage!

After extensive playing of Square Enix's latest tediously over-hyped RPG, our current status is:

Still waiting for the opening FMV to end.

More exciting coverage coming soon, but for now: School-girls used panties.

Regarding blue paint.

Whenever we go to Disney Land we always look forward to one thing in particular. Where as most children our age enjoy the rides and the characters, there's nothing we love more than to queue up for hours on end, listening to whining children complain that they're "hungry", or that they "need the toilet", or that we're "touching them", just for a (usually less than) thirty second mind numbingly boring experience.

Imagine our joy when we discovered we could re-live the adventure just down the road, in the most child friendly place in Tokyo; Akihabara.

This is what the back of a mans head looks like at 5am - if you've only had three hours sleep and haven't turned macro mode off on your camera. The lack of sun also means lack of heat, which leads to lack of feeling in your hands, which leads to excellent masturbation.

Just as we were about to settle down for the three hour wait ahead of us, out of nowhere a fucking McDonald's lorry turns up and causes all kinds of excitement. It made a delivery, then drove off, quick as a flash. Later it turned out that this would be the most interesting part of the morning.

As the day became lighter, these two children found it amusing to play with their Crystal White iPod, so as to annoy everyone around them. We grinned knowingly as we reached into our pockets and fingered the delicate ten-thousand yen bank notes. Warm fleshy bank notes.

As we neared the store entrance the queue divided in two, one for "Enamel Navy" and one for "Ice Blue". We were going to make a joke here in which we'd say "you know, in the space of two weeks we've seen more lines than Pete Doherty", but we decided not to.

This man entertained the crowds by beat-boxing non-stop for five hours.

Across the street we noticed a large line of people. Taking the large risk to assume that this was also for DS Lites, we did some clever maths and worked out that buying and selling TWO units would equal at least one and a half times the original profit.

Thus having queued up non-stop for a whole morning we finally bought this...

And this...

And are already knee deep in bags of cocaine and whores.

Final Fantasy XII Potion: REVIEWED

Because if we didn't, we'd still be sat around in our underwear watching all three series of Peep Show whilst eating sugar from the bag. Words follow...


There it is, a big white box. Maybe it's a new iPod. We need a new iPod, seeing as the last one drowned in our salty tears as we sat through the billionth U2-endorsed commercial. I bet Bono doesn't have any potions. Irish twat.


Once you're inside the box it all gets a bit Jean-Paul Gaultier. Pour Homme? Pour Hommosexual more like, HAHAHAHA! (This is as funny as this post is going to get)


In every box you'll also find a limited edition trading card. Here you can see what appears to be some kind of airship, cleverly designed to look like all the other airships from any Square Enix game ever. We'll probably sell this on eBay later and make a million pounds.


It's a shame really that once you take away the big white box, the big shiny trading card and the big plastic pointy cap thing, you're left with nothing but a victorian medicine bottle - the contents of which tastes like parma violets, the worst of the swizzle-based sweets. We can't help but feel that it's all an elaborately over-hyped waste of money, marketed to an easily-pleased group of boring cunts who spend their lives collecting shite and fantasizing over obnoxious spikey blonde American twats.

It did restore 100 HP though: 40/40

The Aftermath...

Time for a lesson in maths.

If you bought a DS Lite on launch day for 16,000 Japanese Yen (which equals approximately 80 English Pounds and 160 American Dollars), how brilliant will you feel when you sell it at the same price as major high-street second-hand stores?

Answer:


Mmm... inflation gone mad.

We've got a brand new iPod!

To go alongside all our other iPods:





Photos of long lines follow:


This was the line.


This was the sign (we're fucking rhyming, now. Oh, and the sign says 'LINE STOPS HERE', because we were right at the back)


The one on the bottom is mine (eat that, Puff Daddy).

We'd especially like to thank the French man in front of us who stepped out of line to get us a coffee, even though he wasn't sure if we'd let him back in or not (which we tried not to but failed). Look forward to more coverage as we queue up for the next colour of the DS lite, and waste even more of both our and your precious precious time.

Luke Warm Coffee

Following our previous coverage of the Xbox 360 Cafe, we bring you the following, quite frankly heartbreaking news:


There'll be no more latte in this part of town.

RIP 11.2005 - 02.2006

The next big thing.

Just what is selling the Xbox 360 in Japan anyway?

In Yodobashi, it's Rumble Roses XX:



In Sofmap, it's Rumble Roses XX:



In Messe Sanoh, it's Rumble Roses XX:



In Furu-Hon-Ya, it's... Rumble.. Roses... XX:



And in Aso Bit City?



In conclusion:

:-(

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

I just found a website with a load of videos of Shadow of the Colossus time-attack records. They have absolutely put me to shame and now I am forced to wonder if I am any good at ANYTHING.

Right, imagine there's a tiny little bird.


Yeah, he'll do.

And he thinks he's ace, right. He's never seen any other birds. But he's seen other animals - and they're shit! I mean, they can't even fly! So he spends his days happily poncing about, accepting his shortcomings but also knowing what makes him special.

Then, he meets an eagle.


"SCREEEEEEEEEE!!", says the eagle.

The little bird realised that his arrogance had blinded him to the truth - there were much better birds than he! And the eagle swooped down on him, and within moments, this was all that was left:



And THAT is what my FUCKING SELF-ESTEEM looks like.

Not updating again

Because my fucking brilliant piece about Marilyn Manson got a grand total of NO COMMENTS, whereas Johnny's throwaway thing about wanking got fucking TEN.

I swear to God, Shadow of the Colossus getting to number one in the UK games charts is the only thing stopping me from putting Myspazz.com up for sale on eBay for a million dollars.

Arseholes.

Something to look at (and possibly read)

Look at us! We're like a real gaming news web-site or something, bringing you real photographs from a real convention from real Japan. You'd think we were getting paid or something!

Event: The All Nippon Amusement Machine Operator's Union (or AOU, yes that's right AOU, we have no idea either).

Attendees: Mainly fat men with glasses and huge cameras (over-compensating for something).

Games: Lots, including stuff you've never heard of (and never will), because you live in a country where marketing a Pop Idol style Tamagochi arcade game to fully-grown businessmen will never EVER take off.

Women: Many, wearing very little. Pictures follow. God bless Japan.


It started like any other event - we queued up with all the commoners wishing we had press passes and staring at the odd creatures litering the event banners.


Our first port of call was the Sega stand, where we got to see some Virtua Striker 4, or 5. Or maybe 6. Does anyone really care anymore?


Konami prove us wrong, as they showcase Winning Eleven 2006 (that means Pro Evo) to what appears to be one photographer and two members of staff (it's funny because we're making it look that way, even though it was actually quite popular!)

Bored of that, we moved swiftly to the Half Life 2: Survivor area. The game itself is a little bit like Resident Evil: Survivor, but based on an entirely different game. It's pretty brave of them to launch it in Japanese game centers, since the amount of successful PC FPS to arcade-game conversions are somewhat low. Also, a frame rate that doesn't render it unplayable would be nice. We give it SLOWDOWN OUT OF TEN.

(GLASS MUSEUM SAYS: Johnny told me off because I mis-spelled 'render' when I proof-read this post. HOWEVER he is the one who got slowdown and lag confused, so he can fuck off.)

(Johnny Apocalypse says: FUCK OFF.)

It wasn't just games on show, here we see the latest in Pachinko machines, from some company we didn't bother to find the name of. Look, everyone! Fat people gambling! Japan really is becoming America.

Back to games; Pink Sweets is a top down shooter that's had a lot of coverage over at insertcredit.com. It's kind of gay, but it does have some bonuses:

This nice lady gave us a rose, and a strobe flashing ring shaped also like a rose, which later gave us an epileptic fit having put it right next to our eyes in the dark. As usual the quality of photography is average-to-poor. Live with it. We do.

Inspired, we went looking for more women, the only problem being that for every one woman we found, there were always several lonely just-about-to-throw-myself-infront-of-the-Shinkansen fan boys included. So the search went on...

And on...

Until a nice representative from Sega ushered us to one side to catch a better glimpse of the madness strewn across Sega's main stage.

Rather vuluptuous Japanese ladies in tiny shell bikinis playing musical chairs with fat men dressed as fish. You have to hand it to Sega, they really do know what the people want.

Tired of having a raging hard-on all day we headed to the next door to the sofa convention, where we let off some well deserved steam*, as we did outside when we found a marching brass band of school children.


And yet another man with a camera, and drool running down his face. We love Japan.

*(Semen. We had a wank. Bet you thought we were gonna leave it out, too.)