Merry Christmas From Myspazz.com

If we don't update soon, it's because we're playing Mario Kart and simultaneously wanking ourselves into a stupor.

Love

The Myspazz Cru'

What's Glass Museum playing on the toilet this week?

Advance Wars DS!


And he still can't get past mission 20.

Dog urinates on 360 Lounge.

Nothing much else to report.

THINGS IT TURNS OUT YOU SHOULDN'T DO IN REAL LIFE #5,263

TELL STRANGERS ABOUT THE MASSIVE GAY ORGY YOU HAD ON AN ONLINE GAME LAST NIGHT

How many Japanese folk does it take to buy an Xbox?

This many:
Only joking, some people actually did turn up, most of them white and fat with beards and glasses, and name tags that read "Vivendi Universal".

This was the view from the back of the actual queue. If you look closely you can see that I'm not really playing mario kart, it's all an elaborate trick to make it look like the Nintendo DS is more fun than the 360. Which it actually is, by the way.


Once inside, we got to choose from the SIX launch games. Two of those were made by EA. One of those was Tetris. We were getting the impression that Microsoft weren't exactly taking this seriously.

Having realised no one was going to buy anything, Microsoft reps started packing up, then quickly left to throw themselves infront of the Shinkansen.

Inside the bag we got this excellent coffee cup, with instructions to use it at "the Xbox360 Cafe".

No thank you; we've been there, it was shite.


Just before we escaped with our overly-heavy waste of space, we got to try our luck on the giant Xbox360 "gatcha-gatcha" machine. If you look closely you can see that even the nice ladies' costumes have been designed for the launch. Let's take a closer look;

Yes it does, doesn't it.


The guy infront of us won Ridge Racer 6; all we won were these crappy tickets to see Liverpool play in Yokohama! It's okay though - we swapped them for a pack of really cool badges. That'll show them.


Having spent the morning immersed in white and green we headed on home in hopes that we'd find something far more interesting to look at.
And we did.

Snake eating 101 (featuring the Indian one from Blue Peter)

We saw Shigeru Miyamoto!

He told us not to worry about the success of the Revolution, and pointed calmly at the unmanned Xbox 360 behind him. He then offered to suck our cocks for drug money as long as we didn't tell anyone.

And we never did.

Xbox 360: Best Graphics EVER!

Note the creative use of black splodges to represent the oppression of women in modern society. This alone is almost enough to justify reading all those automated e-mails from Amazon.

Remember the PSP?

It was amazing! It was the first handheld you could play MP3s on without buying extra stuff for it, you could even watch films - like Spiderman 2! You could view all your photos on its really big high-quality screen, even ones of naked ladies touching other naked ladies. If you stood outside a house that was rich enough to have a wireless internet router, you could view even more naked ladies - and KIDS - and it was the family who's router you were using who'd get arrested by the police! It even played games, and not the shit ones like Grand Theft Auto and Burnout; we're talking Space Invaders, Jet Set Willy, Dig Dug and Pacman.

Best of all: We saw one:

This guy was special - we didn't know of anyone who owned a PSP anymore. He was middle aged and had a suit and a brief case and everything. We figured since he was Japanese he must be watching a video of a 16 year old girl washing dishes in a maid's outfit and saying things like "I found blood in my urine", but no, he was playing Donkey Kong.

There's not a lot we can learn from this experience other than, Japanese businessmen know tricks. They may seem like depressed, overworked, drunken molesters, but that aside, they can swap a memory stick like David fucking Blaine.

Kudos to you Mr Salary man, we got you all wrong.

LIFEBLOG #2!

Today, I have decided I am gonna write about everything I do in unneccesary and sometimes disturbing detail. I'll be updating it constantly throughout the day, so keep checking back for more exciting news!!!

13:15 - Wake up. Have a wank into my boxers because I might as well since I'll be taking them off when I get up anyway.

13:30 - Fall back to sleep again because of the wank.

14:00 - Wake up again, get out of bed, get dressed.

14:05 - Spit into the bathroom sink, then have a brief swig of orange juice to get the funny 'mleh' taste out of my mouth. Have a morning dump whilst playing Castlevania on the DS. Spend a few minutes wondering how many other people are as lucky as me. Conclusion: not many.

14:15 - Poo was a bit runny. Must drink less orange juice, and eat more sausage rolls.

16:55 - I'm not really sure what I've done for the last two hours and forty minutes.

17:30 - Looked at my old house on Google Earth.

19:30 - Wrote a new a song.

20:00 - Helped a friend find a Commander Bacara figure. I'm starting to think this entry was a bad idea, as the day is actually turning out to be somewhat productive, when I was actually hoping for lots of self-deprecation, misery, rage, and boredom. God, I can't do anything right.

20:01 - Oh, there we go.

21:50 - Thought about having a shower. Decided not to bother. Yeah!

22:29 - Realised that, about two hours ago, I ate an entire pack of Party Rings for dinner, but forgot to mention it here. When I was little, I was able to put my finger through the hole in the middle, but now I can't.

23:20 - Went to the toilet, and got a bit of wee on the seat, but managed to clean it off.

00:30 - Started playing City of Heroes because I'm nearly at level 20, and when I hit level 20 I'll finally be able to earn a cape, which will be the best thing ever.

05:45 -

06:00 - Bed.

Animals like hate crimes too.

Literally days after the release of Animal Crossing: Wild World for the Nintendo DS, shocking new evidence proves that even make-believe towns of anthropomorphic animals are a hazard to our children:

Just to prove that there's nothing to it

Here's a photo of Maria Sharapova:


MARIA SHARAPOVA! mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova mariasharapova

Animal Cross(Dress)ing!!! The best kind.

That's right, folks; it's finally here, the reason why the DS was always going to outwit the PSP and the Microsoft Bubble: Animal Crossing Wild World!


This was what the back of the queue looked like. We tried to get to the front by telling people we were David Bowie and Sting. They said they didn't like the Beatles.


At the front of the line were two staff dressed as everyone's favourite Animal Crossing characters: Pikachu and Obi Wan Kenobi. They told us when we reserved the game that there'd be a free gift waiting for us. All we got was a scratch card. Fucking liars.

Having finally played the game, we can honestly say it is this: good. It retains the same inventive gameplay featured in the Cube version but adds a genuine freshness through the utilisation of the stylus and microphone. Best of all, the wi-fi element adds a whole new dimension to portable gaming, and allows you to swap hentai with middle-aged men in Asakusa.


We give it Bestiality out of Ten.

Eddie Guerrero is still dead!

Which would be terrible news, if Animal Crossing DS wasn't out in Japan tomorrow, but it is, so instead of mourning his loss we're celebrating his life instead.

Don't worry kids, something interesting has to happen soon. It has to; even masturbation isn't as fun as it used to be.

PSP in "not bad" shocker.

This week saw the release of Talkman, the latest language guidance tool from Sony. It comes with a clip-on microphone and teaches the player phrases in Japanese, Chinese, and Korean. It also teaches a degraded form of English, called "American English".

The best part?

Microsoft: "We haven't really thought this through :'("

Hey, kids! Are you enticed by horribly square white things? Are you also a queer? Yeah? Then welcome to the Xbox 360 Cafe!

Ooh, look; Things we don't need but can spend our money on, because God help us should we ever purchase any actual software for the machine; we're not that desperate.

A really big ceiling mounted thing! This should distact our attention from the abysmal games and awful tasting coffee, at least until Dead or Alive Volleyball 2 comes out.

Why is no one playing Kameo? OH WAIT, I KNOW, IT'S BECAUSE IT'S UTTER SHIT. I'm off to the loo.

In case you were wondering, that isn't photoshopped. Someone actually designed it that way. Amazing. The notice on the toilet said something about updating to a 30GB hardrive to use the "big flush" mechanism.

This was the best part of the experience - washing the stench of pre-determined failure from our hands!

Outside, a lorry with 6 foot high images of Maria Sharapova made us smile; even UK:R don't have photos like this. And so we went home to think about Nintendo, and how we'll never stop loving them, even if they are also a little bit gay.

DREAMBLOG!

Last night, I had a dream where I was in a class in high school, and I had to write an essay - under exam conditions - about Richer Sounds, the hi-fi shop that used to be ace, and their recent unethical business tactics. I knew nothing about this, so I wrote about two lines about how they've just gone a bit crap lately due to their new focus on home cinema stuff instead of hi-fi equipment. Then my teacher walked over and read my paper aloud to everyone, and they all laughed at me. Then she started teaching some other stuff, and someone came up behind me and put a hat on me. I couldn't see it, but it felt like it was made of cardboard, and I guess it had something written or drawn on it because everyone laughed at me again. I decided it was funnier if I didn't actually look at what was written on it. And I think I was right.

LIFEBLOG!

Visiting home is excellent, because your parents assume you know how to feed yourself because you've been at university for two years now, thus you should know better than to do something stupid like eat nothing but biscuits all day.

MONKEY THRUSTS CROTCH AT MAID!

Society = Charisma -12.

In other news, we got told off for taking this photograph:

Not because of security or anything, just because Sony's latest collection of games are utter shite, and they don't want you to know. See those spare controllers? The people playing on those all left to buy plastic figurines of schoolgirls, and throw themselves infront of the Shinkansesn.

A sequel from Square(Enix)? Surely not! But wait, this is Kingdom Hearts 2! (OMG), it's got Johnny Depp in it and EVERYTHING, it even features the hot (Little) Mermaid woman! It has to be good, right? Right? Mum?

This is a really big screen showing movie footage of Soul Calibur 3 that you could download about a month ago. The two men at the front are probably paedophiles.

These are our girlfriends. They have mechanical vaginas and hang around with Gwen Stefani. Thus we are better than you.

Afterwards we got invited to sit and watch a 30 minute presentation in which the phrase "Playstation 3" was subliminally flashed at us until it was burned into our retinas. Eventually an extended version of the Metal Gear 4 trailer was shown, with Otacon assuring us that the Playstation 3 would be worth the wait, and that giving our money to Microsoft would guarantee us all a dose of Foxdie. Laced with AIDS.

Here's the latest in game screen-shot. Snake is hiding in the air.

Kisses x.

More 'east-side' madness

Or: More badly taken photos of things in Tokyo, in attempt to make some cheap laughs in a highly racist manner!

This is the welcome sign for Akihabara station, Tokyo. For those who don't know, Akihabara is a town of sleaze, perversion and forty year old businessmen who buy little plastic figures of girls in bondage.

It is also our favourite place in the whole of Japan.

Another poorly-shot photograph, this time of kids battling their nurtured beetles in front of a crowd of bored parents, who are thinking about throwing themselves infront of the shinkansen. The picture would have been better, but we had one hand in our trouser pocket.

We got our hands on House of the Dead 4, which features a new reload technique which involves SHAKING the gun. Just like in real life.


Finally, the Shadow of the Colossus boxed set, which is excellent, if you like poncing about on a horse not really knowing what to do. Still, the necklace makes us look like gangsta rappers which is all we really wanted in the first place.

EXCLUSIVE! Microsoft to enter handheld market!

There's a really funny joke somewhere there about some kind of physical representation of Microsoft somehow entering a tiny little market that just about fits into a pair of human hands.

BUT NO. It wouldn't actually be funny, AND we've got some actual news for once.

It was announced today that Microsoft are finally attempting to conquer the handheld gaming scene, just as easily as they won home console owners' hearts with the incredibly successful 'Ultra Halo 2 Machine'.

"To be honest, we're trying to keep this one fairly low-key", Microsoft's J Allard told us when we had a quick chat with him the other day, because that's the kind of thing we get up to. "The simple fact is, we think it's just too awesome for the general public. Our plan is pretty much to release the Xbox 360 just as a sort of dummy console. We'll then spend a fortune marketing that, while the REAL gamers will go beyond, and discover the Bubble for themselves."

Pretty cunning, Mr Allard. Still, what's so special about the Bubble, eh? Allard wouldn't tell us on the day, but a couple of hours after we spoke to him, we recieved the following picture in a mysterious e-mail. See what you make of it!

EMOFEST 2K5

I'm sorry everyone, but it's time for some seriously mega heart-rending blogging, Livejournal style.

The truth is, no matter how fashionable geeks may become, and no matter how insanely popular and funny their blogs are, girls are not interested in them. And they never will be, either.

We haven't pushed it in a lady since last December, and even that doesn't really count because she made us stop halfway through.

We're so lonely that we've even resorted to this:


...And even that didn't help our cause.

And that's it. There is no ultimate point to this entry. No punchline. We just wanted to let you know that we're just feeling a little down right now.

How down?

THIS DOWN:

:'(

Games journalism, innit

Being such highly regarded members of the gaming press*, we were invited** along to Konami's latest gaming expo in Tokyo's sunshine city exhibition centre, in Ikebukuro.

Here we were able to play the latest installment of one of the gaming giant's most popular series***, as well as taking photos of kids who will probably never get a girlfriend, work in an office for a faceless corporation and eventually throw themselves into the path of a speeding train, plunging their entire family into debt with the Japanese governement.


Afterwards, we pre-ordered a limited edition Pokemon Gameboy Micro and bought a copy of Super Princess Peach, over which we wanked ourselves into a frenzy and fell asleep.

FIN.


*(We just happened to walk past the right building at the right time)

**(Let in as long as we left after twenty minutes)

***(We still don't actually know what it was. We didn't even play it. We did get a free pin badge by harassing a member of staff, though. He's probably been fired now.)