How To Design A Gaming Cliche

Following the barrage of screen-shots and character info released by Team Ninja to herald the imminent arrival of Ninja Gaiden (pronounced 'gay den') 2, I've put together this in-depth analysis of the design choices that have gone into new female character 'Sonia', so that you too can design your own 'completely-lacking-in-individuality' female game character.

1. Head (including: 'Face')

As you can see, the closer the head resembles that of most male game characters the better. Here the developers have taken the general outline for Raiden and Dante and added lipstick, though they appear to have eased up on the eye-liner. As Sonia is seemingly Caucasian, and designed by Japanese people, her hair colour must not exceed anything other than 'Gandalf White'.

2. Neck

The first important thing to remember when designing a Japanese style game character is that no accessory is too much. Even if it doesn't make sense, just add it anyway - it will be interpreted by idiot fan boys as 'cool' and 'character-defining' and provide extra detail for their cos play outfits. Tattoos are also popular, making the character appear moody and dangerous as nobody questions the idiocy of giving somebody money in order for them to tear up your skin leaving you scarred for life.

3. Chest (Tits!)

My Nan once told me 'if it ain't got tits, it ain't worth shit', and when applied to the Japanese gaming scene I fully understand what she means. Team Ninja are notorious for introducing us to some of the wobbliest boobs around, so when designing your gaming cliché make sure you make the breasts as big as possible. Remember, if there's white space left on the page, the tits aren't big enough. Another important little detail is the zip-up top. Men go crazy for zips - there's always the possibility they may slip undone, spilling those much desired fleshy sacks of fat out into the open, nipples and all.

4. Hand


Hands must be gloved. Bare hands have no character. Hands must also contain one of the following;

a.) Gun

b.) Sword

If neither of these requirements are met, your gaming cliché will be nothing other than a failure.

5.) Arm (and/or elbow)

Arms must be covered past the elbow with some sort of leather or PVC glove. This sort or unnecessary covering of limbs is to make up for the lack of clothing elsewhere on the body.

6. Waist (and the other arm, although they're not really attached)


The waist must always be decorated with an abundance of clip-belts, buckles and strap-ons. Notice here how the glove covering the other arm stops before the elbow. Such asymmetric design is typical of the Japanese, and makes their art style 'unique', despite appearing in near enough everything making it not all 'tiresome' or 'dull'.

7. Thighs? (Crotch!)


It is a fact that Japanese men have never actually seen a vagina. Most are too terrified of sex to have seen one in real life, and those who watch porn assume that all vaginas are pixelated. Even those who make pornographic videos are required by law to wear a blindfold when filming the female crotch, for fear of being corrupted by its evil smile. Thus every female game character must wear some sort of skirt or dress (no trousers, or you'll be hanged until dead) which just about looks as though it could provide a glimpse of the promised land - the secret being it never will, and undersexed gamers are once more reduced to masturbating over self-drawn images of what they assume a vagina to look like. Notice also the gun holster wrapped around the thigh, more asymmetric nonsense to add 'style' to the character.

8. Knees (getting bored now)


If your character's boots stop anywhere lower than the knee, you will be fired - this is the law of Japanese game development. Don't even think about drawing productive everyday shoes or you'll be laughed out of the building. Knee-high boots are the only way to go, they're not only 'cool' and give insight to the characters sadomasochistic interests, but also warm the legs, compensating for her icy-cold muff.

9. Feet (Toes)


What do you find on the end of a knee-high boot? If you said 'my dad when mum goes off to work' you're thinking of the wrong end. High heels are of utmost importance when designing a female game character. Impracticality doesn't factor when you're designing a 'hot-action-babe', and although a standard military grade boot would probably result in less ankle-breakages, your character just wouldn't cut it as an edgy gaming heroine.

That's all I've got time for today, if you actually visit this site and it's not just me writing stuff for the sake of it, and if you found this guide useful and want to draw your own Japanese style gaming babe, email me: Johnny Apocalypse At Hotmail Dot Com (no spaces no caps) with your image attached and I'll exhibit them later in the week.