I just swallowed my plectrum!

And here's a picture of Miyamoto Shigeru (that's how they say it in China) making crude - and somewhat racist - remarks at his latest autograph session in New York:


Oh, and if anyone has seen Glass Museum, I really miss him, and didn't mean what I said about catching AIDS from the PMS girls.

Or Blazin' Squad.

Ignore that last post about Truegamerz

Because I went along, and ended up being one of the two winners.

Therefore, Truegamerz is the BEST THING EVER. Highlights:

- Hardly anyone actually being there
- 'DeMega' commentating like a spack, and clearly having no idea what he's on about
- The referees #1: "Okay, so, it's the... is it Burnouts? Yeah, the first player to ten Burnouts wins."
- All the chavs playing FIFA and nothing else
- The final 'mystery game' turning out to be Smash TV
- Chatting up a nice lady from PMS
- The referees #2: "So.. who won?"
- Battlefield 2: Modern Combat repeatedly crashing
- The staff running around desperately trying to find people to actually compete
- The referees #3: "So.. which player are you again?"
- All the female staff being astonishingly fit

And I think the lady from TMF who interviewed me at the end deserves a special mention, due to her excellent questions. You want to know some gaming lingo? How's this:

|=UC|< Y()U

lol :(

We've made Peter Molyneux a Myspace page!

You can find it here.

It took us, like, fifteen minutes to make, so the least you ungrateful scrotes can do is go and look.

And add him to your friends list while you're at it. We've made him join a Lionhead group, so he might get some friends off there, but we'll see how it goes. Rest assured we'll keep you informed if anything happens!

Truegamerz, it's cool because it's spelled incorrectly

Do you have spiked, bleached-blonde hair?

Do have some of those glasses that let more light in than if you weren't wearing any at all?

Does your hat have 'Von Dutch' written on it?

Do you wear it indoors?

Do you buy your jeans ripped?

Are you listening to Mariah Carey?

Are you a cunt?

If so, you too could be a 'TRUE GAMERZ', representing attractive gamers from all over the UK. All six of them. You might be a geek, but you know how to party with it!! And the best thing is, it's all for charity! So if you win, you can tell that fit bird down the pub that you're a fucking nice guy.

We'd like to invade her space. LOL!

EGOTISM AND BOREDOM!!!

Or "What Happens When You Google Your Own Website Address"!

Yeah, that's right. We just got bored enough to do a Google search for "Myspazz.com" to see what would come up. In doing so, we discovered the following:


- Our friend Dave has been spamming the site address on the official Sigur Ros forum.

- Some guy called 'Gixxa' thinks we're ace. We're not, but thanks!

- Loads of people type 'myspazz.com' when they're actually linking to things on Myspace.com. For fuck's sake.

- This.


To be honest, we're just amazed that nobody said anything bad.

Forget Tokyo Games Show!

We didn't even go. Sure, we could pretend we went and make up a big review of it all as if we're were important enough to view the 'revolution' first hand whilst ogling booth babes, but we'd much rather deliver to you what we feel is important;

Fucking Fridge Magnets!


That's right, all kinds of fridge magnets. To think that my nan was going to throw these out! I mean, just look at the Blackpool one; paedophiles will pay a tonne on eBay for that. Forget Nintendo, the real revolution's right here.

We've finished MGS4!

And to think, this morning none of you even knew about it. That's how god-damn cool we are.

Here are some screen shots we took whilst waiting for the dialogue to finish:

This bit involves hiding behind a wall and talking to the colonel for eight hours. We finished it in three.
Snake's a bit older in this one, but he can still recognise a Russian helicopter, especially since it was in all his previous games.

In the end it turned out it wasn't Snake; it was a clone of Snake's father's brother's AI form that was developed by four thousand year-old presidents on a Commodore 64 in the eighties.

Having completed the game we unlocked a tuxedo! Fucking brilliant, didn't expect that at all.

Next week: Resident Evil 5 completed and unlocked. A page of words about a game that involves shooting things that are already dead, and running from a secret underground lab that's been set to self destruct for no apparent reason.

Our survey says:

WE TOLD YOU HE WAS FUCKING LYING!

Official Playstation 2 Magazine-UK: October Walkthrough.

Bored of reading? Are numerous words distracting you from critical gaming time? Do you really care if 187 Ride or Die is any good or not?

If you answered yes to all of those (apart from the last one, for which the answer should have been 'no') then Myspazz.com presents to you the definitive guide to this month's Official UK PS2 magazine. 146 pages condensed into a tiny, tiny bit of web-space, photographed and documented by our very own Johnny Apocalypse.



First up is page 19 in the form of Lisa Ralph. Here she is spouting a pun about nuts and screwing (LOL!!!1). Andy Masterson from Norwich writes in to say "she is one of the most naturally beautiful women I have ever seen". Nice one, Andy. Now, back to World of Warcraft where you can pretend that lady Night-Elves fancy you.



Next up is page 20, with an irrelevant reference to Kristin Kreuk. This was taken in soft focus for artistic merit. Not because I am shit with a camera.

Did someone say 'article about Smackdown vs Raw'? That totally calls for a picture of Stacey Keibler in her undies. Phew, to think it could have ended tragically with in-game screenshots!


Flicking to page 30 brings about some bollocks about The Frag Dolls travelling the country and representing female independence in gaming. It's not just because they're young and have fully-formed tits. Honest.


Page 36 and something about Prince of Persia's girlfriend. We can probably get jailed for copyright theft, what with uploading all these images. It's a good job we like it in the bum!



We don't really understand what this bit is, but it has a fantastic advert for Colin McRae 2005 on the PSP.


These two pages are from a preview of the game 'GUN' from Neversoft. Although the joke about 'choking our chickens' was hilarious, we can't help thinking that using the production budget to buy real guns to shoot the writers would have been more effective.


Ivy's crotch and Taki's arse; what better way to present a preview of Soul Calibur 3? Remember, kids: Gameplay over graphics, as is demonstrated in the image above.


Page 113 proves that no gaming publication is complete without a dodgy text-sex page. Personally, I can't believe people pay to hear a woman moan down the phone at them. I know girls who do that for free. I know girls who do only that.*

Page 114 and yet another picture of Stacey Keibler in her underwear. THQ could save themselves a load of money if they only thought for a second to get rid of any gameplay elements that aren't Stacey Keibler's knickers.


Finally the magazine ends with another text-sex page. 30 seconds? Do they think we're super-human or something?

Join us next week when we ask the questions 'is games journalism just an excuse to look at half dressed women?' and 'Is that a monster in your pocket, or are you erect?'.


*(this is a lie, Johnny Apocalypse has never spoken to a real lady in his entire life)

Frag Dolls quiz of the week, ruined by UK:Resistance.

We were gonna do a Frag Dolls quiz, right, but then UK:Resistance did a Frag Dolls thing, and we're enough of a UK:Resistance rip-off as it is. So instead, we've got:

What's Peter Molyneux lying about now?


a.) The size of the Nintendo Revolution contoller.

b.) Subway's new foot-and-a-half steak and cheese and steak and meat sandwich.

c.) His penis.

Answer revealed: Soon.

Forget what we said yesterday.

Gamespress.com is a sham. I mean, look at this:


You call this a games website, Gamespress? Get with the times.

We love Gamespress.com

We were just thinking that we'd like to do a quick post saying quite how much we love Gamespress.com, because they're amazing, and if we had our way they'd be called 'great'press.com!

Here's a picture of Princess Peach eating a lolly. Although to be honest, I prefer to imagine that the lolly is my nob.


I am still single.

The Emperor's New Album

As some of you may be aware, Sigur Ros' new album, 'Takk', is out soon. Actually, I think it might be out tomorrow, but hell, I don't really care because I downloaded it ages ago. But, y'know, let's see what some actual journalists think of it.

The Observer:


"With Takk, Sigur Rós have raised their game, to the extent that 'Glósóli"s euphoric power-surge and the Ice Age balladry of 'Hoppípola' tap into the same exquisitely modern sense of simultaneous connectedness and disconnection that Orbital defined when they titled 'Halcyon (and On and On)' after their mother's brand of tranquillizers."

Ponce. NEXT!

The Sunday Times:


"If they so choose, Sigur Ros can give U2 a run for exhilarating, crash-bang rock."

Wow, U2? Seriously?

The Wire:


"Takk embodies all the negative qualities extended way beyond their natural span; it mistakes an ability to think big for an ability to engage an audience; and far from pushing at boundaries it merely creates boundaries of its own. What began as an intriguing Icelandic mixof abstraction and emotion has ended up sounding like an indie Last Night of the Proms."

See this guy? He's the one telling the truth. I love Sigur Ros, I really do. But Takk only has three good songs, and one of them is a Mogwai rip-off. I was tempted to put said three songs on here for you all to download and say "Hooray! Myspazz.com just saved me twelve quid", but I don't think EMI would've liked that, and I stopped being rebellious a few weeks ago when I realised that my parents were cooler than me.

Anyway, you don't have to listen to me, because apparently I hate anything happy anyway. Which is probably true.

Sean Penn Watch: Continues...

This week, Sean's filling New Orleans up with water.


At least it's better than making another film about retards. More coming soon.

Spot the cliche...

This is D1rt (do you see?), she's a "Sassy Rock Chick" who's going to be "The next Lara Croft", just like Blood Rayne and that bird from Stolen were. Here's the usual marketing shite (we've highlighted the best bits);

A fast paced action adventure title, set across 14 levels; players take on the role of DIRT, an unlikely heroine with a shadowy past. From the deserts of Nevada, to secret government research facilities, DIRT faces near unstoppable opposition. RPG Lite 'Play as you want' system allows the player to experience each level from their preferred style, Stealth, Aggression, Exploration or Sharp Shooting. Multiple offensive and defensive moves make DIRT a resourceful character in a fight, with over 20 weapons to level at her foes. A teen chic with attitude – God help the opposition.

• Hardcore action meets RPG featuring Nu Generation's RPG Lite technology to produce an unobtrusive, straight forward and ultimately rewarding character enhancement system.
• Over 10 special offensive and defensive moves to choose. Use these on their own or combine them with traditional blasting to produce wild new emergent game play styles and innovative new combos.
• Traditional blasting fans will not be disappointed either, with close to 20 traditional weapons from 9mms to S.M.G to R.P.G to Rail Gun, Pheromone gun and Graviton beam.
• Fast and flexible movement system tailored for combat game play. The game features compact and dynamic dodge moves as well as traditional jump and double jump.
• Interact and save the NPCs in the game world with compelling risk Vs reward stakes to earn extra information and abilities.
• Rigid body dynamics, rag doll and vehicles are all accounted for in the realistic physics engine that drives the "DIRT" game world.
• Fight a vast array of mutated abominations, as well as Black Op Marines and their arsenal of weapons.

D1rt is yet to have a release date, and gets a Chris Martin on the LOL-Meter.

Word from the front line; the hand-held war rages on.

To be fair, there's not really a war. It's just a thing that shit journalists say to make corporate marketing and pictures of silicon chips seem more interesting. Here's what we learned today:

PSP can do this:


Whereas the DS does this*:


Sorry, Nintendo. Sony have won this round.

*Artist's impression. Not an actual photograph.

Songs to crash and burn to.

With the exciting news of Burnout Revenge's imminent release on September 9th, we've gone to the trouble of highlighting the most rockin' tunes from the games mega hit sound track. Simply discard any non-highlighted tracks from your playlist, and you too can enjoy tearing up busy motorways without the fear of becoming an emotionally defected bisexual.

Andy Hunter - Come On
Animal Alpha - Bundy
Apocalyptica - Life Burns!
Asian Dub Foundation - Flyover
Avenged Sevenfold - Beast...
Billy Talent - Red Flag
Bloc Party - Helicopter
Bullet For My Valentine - Hand Of Blood
The Chemical Brothers - The Big Jump
CKY - As The Tables Turn
Comeback Kid - Wake The Dead
The Dead 60s - Riot Radio
Dogs - Tuned to a Different Station
The Doors - Break On Through (To The Other Side) BT vs. The Doors Remix
Emanuel - The Hey Man!
Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance
Finch - Ink
Funeral For A Friend - All The Rage
Goldfinger - I Want
Infusion - Better World (Adam Freeland Mix)
Junkie XL - Today
LCD Soundsystem - Daft Punk is Playing at My House (Soulwax Shibuya Mix)
Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure
Mindless Self Indulgence - Straight To Video (KMFDM Remix)
Morningwood - Nu Rock
MxPx - Heard That Sound
Nine Black Alps - Shot Down
OK Go - Do What You Want
Pennywise - Stand Up
The Academy Is... - Almost Here
The All-American Rejects - Top Of The World
The Black Velvets - Fear And Loathing
The Bravery - An Honest Mistake (Superdiscount Remix)
The Outline - Shotgun
The Starting Line - The World
Thrice - Lullaby
Timo Maas - First Day (General Midi Remix)
Tsar - Band-Girls-Money
Unwritten Law - F.I.G.H.T.
We Are Scientists - The Great Escape
Yellowcard - Lights And Sounds

And there you have it. Nice one EA, money well spent.


GLASS MUSEUM SEZ:
Christ. Burnout 3's soundtrack was slightly amusing, largely because it served me well as a crash-course (Haha!) in emo, but this is going to be awful. Good job I won't be paying any money for it! Hahahahahahaha!

Nintendo All Stars '05: Shite.

Tell a lie, it was a very enjoyable day out. When I say 'enjoyable', I mean 'tolerable', but the playable demo of Zelda: Twilight Princess was certainly icing sweet enough to make any bowl of turd taste like Jessica Alba's underpants.

If you're expecting anything less than a load of photos with supposedly quirky anecdotes, you're going to be horribly let down:


This is the main van. We spent a fair while staring at this as we waited for the 'attractive yet cunt-like' student types to become 'arsed' enough to set up the event.

As much as we'd like to tell you that this is a high-tech Nintendo themed men's loo, it's actually the inside of the all stars van. Super Mario Striker and Wario Ware Mawaru aside, we would have had more fun with the urinal cakes.

Outside the all stars van was 'the pussy wagon' (do you see?). Next to this were a few DSs featuring playable versions of Nintendogs. Unfortunately the general bastard public had scratched the touch-screens to a point where it was impossible to see what the hell was going on. Only the playful yelps emitting from the speakers stopped us from breaking down completely, crying in a puddle of our own piss.

Luckily for us, there was one thing that could make it all better; Zelda: Twilight Princess. When we asked the attractive lady when exactly 'soon' would be, she told us late October. We thought about this, and wondered if she'd ever been to Nintendo's game's information pages, or if she actually knew what the internet was.

As you can see the demo consisted of the same two sections that everybody saw at E3. Unfortunately we don't get paid enough money to go to Los Angeles, so Warwickshire had to do. The number below the two screens is the time limit you get to play the game. This was done to stop the frantic queues from getting out of control.

These are the frantic queues. Deadly. You can't really tell from this angle, but this small boy is actually squinting to a point where his eyes are fully shut. Why...

...Because Nintendo Europe don't see reason in paying for picture quality. Thanks Nintendo, thanks a fucking bunch. If you look closely you can see that in this scene, Link is coaxing a prostitute into his car, where he'll have his way and later steal her money having blugeoned her to death with a nine-iron.

An example of the cunts that Nintendo hired to run this thing. We know what you're thinking, and we would too, but that doesn't stop her from being any less shit. On the way home I fell asleep on the train, and dreamt about punching this guy in the mouth. It was pretty good.

Elsewhere on site, Jimi Hendrix was signing his new book. Believe us, it's a lot better than Pokemon Dash.

Finally we hit the jackpot, these two 'sexy babes' were promoting the DS at a different part of the show. We'd make a funny joke about the whole 'Touch Me' marketing slogan, but to be fair, we took a picture of their arses and ran away.

As for the overall experience, it was somewhat of a let-down, the whores didn't even offer us any free stuff other than a plastic cup half filled with some kind of milk-shake.

Depressed? You're not wrong.

Telling lies with Peter Molyneux

As of today two leading games developers have announced their anticipation of Nintendo's "Revolution" having supposedly sampled the design of the ground breaking controller.

One of those men was Yuji Naka, the father of sonic, bringer of love to gaming. We like him.

The other was Peter (lying, swindelling, thieving, whoring) Molyneux.


His actual words weren't even his, he quoted them from 'Game Over', a book that he didn't write!


Is he telling the truth? Did he really see the Revolution controller? Or is he just lying, the same way he did about Fable, The Movies, Theme Park World...



Our verdict: He's lying. He's making things up once again to hide the fact that Black and White 2 still isn't out. Shut up Peter Molyneux, you look like our dads!

J Allard: "We want to suck the life out of viral marketing."

Allard: The masses are congregating outside, sir.

Big Voice: What now?

Allard: They say that having two versions of the Xbox360 is a "fucking big waste of time"

Big Voice: They have a point. Any ideas how to divert their attention?

Allard: Our Colony was pretty good. I could throw together an image of a cat and a tree and stick it on the internet.

Big Voice: Better make it a rabbit. Less aggresive, more mysterious.

Allard: Sir, you're a god-damned genius. I'll get the felt tip pens.

origenxbox360.com

Because sometimes we run out of things to talk about on web forums.